死了都要爱

Not looking

2011-12-01T22:45:00.001+08:00

Do you find yourself doing this at horror movies?

Scare?

Then, why watch?

We often find ourselves doing the same in life.

Afraid, yet curious.

Or maybe we don't have a choice but to watch.

I find it difficult to face the situation.

The things that you never did

2011-07-07T06:55:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how we find ourselves doing things that we usually don't. Maybe for me, it was a break from routine? I find myself browsing NHDS blog, sending message to a junior about it and just awhile ago I was reading my own entries.

Sometimes it is nice to look back at what happen and realize how differently you think from that time. During the browsing, I was reminded of my one wish for the year and sadly it reminded me of something that happened the other day, just last week. Looks like another unfulfilled wish.

Being forced to face the truth is cruel, that's why sometimes I think ignorance is a bliss. But, I guess reality is better for me. It is probably time to get things together.

It's hard to understand or explain what is the matter. Emo-bu probably knows better.
~~~

Yes, but.
No, but.
There is always a but because there is something else to it.
But, there isn't.

Living in the past

2011-06-27T08:57:00.000+08:00

Watching sweet romantic comedy has always been a double edge sword for me. I like watching them but they leaves me emo. As a result, sometimes I turn to Splitza to displace that feeling. But, it is getting harder and harder to continue the story.

Constantly I have been reminded, directly and indirectly, of how I am still living in the past. I don't really know which past it is, not that it matters. The truth is that I haven't moved forward, since I don't know when.

It's kind of depressing to start the morning with these sort of thoughts. But, the thought of the possible endings, together with the nervous from releasing of the results, makes it almost inevitable.

Seeking refuge in music, in YUI, is not going to work forever. Furthermore, it changes the mood, nothing changed nor solved. I need a solution.

The people you meet

2011-05-31T22:23:00.004+08:00

Exams are finally over, but now I am busy with work. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have much other things to do anyway. So, better than letting my time go to waste. Now that my 3 years with uniSIM is done, I shall wait for the results and see if I will do my fourth year. But, done to objective and development setting at work, I reviewed my decision I set out 2 years ago when I joined Elsevier.

I must admit along the way things have change(If they didn't, something must be wrong.) and it's not like I didn't expect it. So, basically the situation now is open-ended. But, I still want to do what I set out to do, question is where and when. But, I guess I want to take a break and wait for my results first.

U.N.I 2011 is just next week and I made it a point that I take part in at least one item(excluding guest starring in Zhongyi's item). I guess my reason was that I wish to perform once more. Furthermore, I don't think I will be performing again after this.

In any case, if life was to stay status quo now, I would have no complains. Although, not the best, good enough.

~~~~~

Today, I was thinking about the idea of fate, about the people you meet in life. Everyone that you meet in your life has a role to play in your life or at least that is the ideology that I subscribe to. Yes, even those that pisses you off. They are in your life to piss you off, but I am sure it happened for a reason. Maybe they are there to piss you off now, so that you don't get pissed off in another similar occasion which might have a detrimental impact if you do. Or maybe it's so that you don't piss others off the same way. I wish to see it as a learning experience.

But, of course, we don't see things that way every single time and we miss out the role of some people that we crossed path with. At times, I try to remind myself of this and somehow it provides a new perspective to how I see someone. At the same time, I found that when I actively do that, I avoid pitfalls in thinking that I learn in psychology.

So, from time to time, it is good to think about people whom you have crossed path with. At least, those that have contributed to growth of you, contributed to the you in the mirror today.

How much do you understand?

2011-04-22T00:27:00.004+08:00

Everytime I thought that I got it, but I realised shortly that I don't. No matter the number of times I thought I got it, I never did.

Recently, there has been multiple dashes of spices into my life. Meeting new people, going through feelings so new yet so familiar. I though that yet another chapter has began. Until someone goes questioning me, "Aren't you still on the first page?" I would normally say something not concrete and it hits me right home that the person was right. I never left.

I realised I always try to mask the fact or try to deny the fact. I don't really know why I do that. To protect myself? Or trying to skip ahead?

I probably have the answers be it technical or emotional, but Id seems want to keep it this way.

~~~~~

Why did you tell me that?

Was there some hidden message?

Are you hinting me?

Making yourself feel better?

Or maybe just trying to make me feel better?

What if, and only what if, its mutual?

Happy Birthday to me!

2011-03-25T05:52:00.003+08:00

One more year has gone by and now I am 24. I think this is becoming a tradition for me to blog my thoughts on my birthday(although sometimes I don't do it on the day itself). Year 23 was rather smooth and was able to finally get my promotion just before my birthday. To some it may be a small promotion, but a promotion is a promotion and I am glad my efforts are being recognized. Work has really been fun and enjoyable and like some of guys say, "This is how some gets sucks in." I do admit that there is a possibility of that happening, but I shall make it a point to venture out.

Yesterday, one of colleagues from another department asked her boss(whom I am on rather good terms with), "Is Sam leaving? He seems rather unhappy recently." Do I? I don't think I have said anything to that colleague that might have suggested that. But, it did get me wondering was it written on my face? I do admit that these two weeks haven't been very good in fact was rather lousy and I am still recovering from it. But, I didn't think it was to the extent that it was observable. The only reason I can think of is that patience wears out faster these two weeks.

Somehow, it seems that every year I will experience a downhill just before my birthday. But, like one of my trainers said, "Lower your expectations and you will feel better." True enough, I seem to lower my expectation for some stuff, though it wasn't enough for me to avoid being quick tempered.

At age 24, I have not quite achieve some of the things that I hope to achieve, but I guess there is still time. Ok, the entry is getting rather heavy, I shall try to end with something lighter.

Now the time is 6.12am and I am sitting outside of the gate to the plane due for KL. My wish for this year is to be able to meet her again and maybe be able to forge something meaningful out of our fate.

~~~~~~

In this world with population of 6.9 billion, the probability of meeting someone is very low, let alone to having a meaningful relationship.

Take time to slow down your pace and think about if there is anyone in your life that you are neglecting.

Don't let chance pass you by because you hesitated or procrastinated.

You may only have that one chance.

Or if you are given multiple chances, the more you should take action.

Emo: Good or Bad?

2011-03-16T23:48:00.003+08:00

I have just attended my first creativity lecture yesterday and I realized that sometimes people tend to regress to increase their creativity temporarily. So, I am starting to see the link between why I find the Emo me more creative. It's probably because when I Emo, I regress and let lose my Id. So, in that sense, maybe being Emo is not that bad?

But, I think it's probably possible to control the regression, though the results might not be as good as genuinely letting lose of your Id.

I feel that life now is not eventful and can probably be deemed as stagnant. Of course, not being a fan of changes, naturally I avoid being happening by nature. But, I decided to just throw myself at adventure itself by going to KL alone next week. I can come up with tons of reasons for the decision, but I think the bottom line is I needed sometime alone, to think.

What about? I don't know. Maybe during or after my trip, I would have an answer. I guess this may be what some call finding oneself? Maybe I felt that there was a need to re-look at myself and get things straight.

~~~~~

It appears when you are not searching, but disappears when you look.

It hurts when it is around, but you miss it when its gone.

It's a game of contradiction, but never know who's playing.

All you want to know is how to get started, but the rule book was never included.

Post# 400 - 8 years of blog / Splitza# 7

2011-02-20T22:23:00.011+08:00

Wow, this blog is already 8 years old! Although, the number of posts doesn't seem to justify the its age... >.< Many things has changed over the years, from the skin to the name of the blog to the big move from open diary. More importantly, the content changed as I changed and improved over the years. The blog has grown a lot, I too have grown. Hoping that I will continue to blog my memories here and may they be good ones.

~~~~~

Previously, Shiori invited Sam to her her piano recital... (If you need a recap on the full story, use the tags to find the related entries. Sorry for such a long break in the chapters)
Ah Long: Oi! You still don't want to go prepare ar? What time oredi!
Emo-bu:就是说嘛。。。
Sam: I still haven't decided whether to go a not...
Ah Long:Hello friend! Not for you to decide la... People ask you go you still act "dua pia"(Big shot). Still need to think what think!
Emo-bu:你不去的话她一定会佷失望的。。。
Sam: But...
Ah Long: Ah! Ler gou ga wa but! (Ah! You still say but!)
Sam:Ok ok...
Emo-bu:不要忘记买花！

*At the reception after the recital
Shiori: Sam! Over here!
*Sam walks over and hands over the the sunflower he bought
Sam: H...Hi Shiori... You were mesmerizing as usual.
Shiori: Honto ni? Arigatou!
*Sam lets out a shy smile
Shiori: Sam honto ni kawaii ne!
*Sam blushes
Sam: Stop teasing me...
Shiori: Haha. Sam blushes so easily. Okok, I shall stop. Anyway, can you wait here for me while I go talk to some people?
Sam: Sure.

*After 15minutes
Shiori: Thanks for waiting! We can go now.
Sam: Erm...where are we going?
Shiori: Sorry, I need to get home, otherwise we can go for supper or something. Gomen ne!
Sam: Na...it's ok. It's late anyway. Let me send you home.
Shiori: Sweet as usual. ;)

*While Shiori and Sam walked towards Shiori's house, their hands brushed.

*Shiori blushed and looked away
Sam: I'm sorry.
Shiori: iee, it's ok.
*Awkward silence all the way to Shiori's drop step
*Shiori looks at the ground
Shiori: I am home. Thank you for sending me back.
Sam: It's no problem.
*Awkward silence
Sam: Ok, I should be going.
Shiori: Be safe.

*Sam turns around and leave
*Stops and calls out to Shiori
Sam: Shiori...
Shiori: Hmm?
Sam: You know about the other day where Jax got rough with me? The reason was because I refused to help him ask you to be her girlfriend.
Shiori: Jax is such a jerk.
Sam: And the reason I help him was because...
Shiori: Because?
Sam: Because...because...wa...watashi...dai...daisuki...Shiori desu!
*Shiori blushes and turned around and walked towards the door
Sam: Will you let me hold your hand?
*Shiori opens the door and enters the house.
*Shiori closes the door behind her
Sam: ...
*Sam turns around with his head hanging low and leaves.
*Sound of the door opening
Shiori: You would have to be boyfriend.
Sam: Huh?! What do you mean? Does that mean you agree to be my girlfriend?
*Shiori smiles
Shiori: Sam Baka! Bye Sam.

Author notes: I attempted to add in some other language elements to make the characters more alive. If I deem the lines might not be understood by many, I would add the translated meaning in brackets. Please do leave comments so that I can improve the writing.

Love is selfish / Splitza's Idea

2011-02-17T15:29:00.003+08:00

Now, I better understand why people cannot just be contented with the fact that they are together with the person they love, be it just physically or emotionally. I was told that because of how this society is, sometimes just being together with the person you love is good enough. It doesn't matter whether the person truly loves you, since the only thing that matters is that you are happy being with the person.

However, I would say such a relationship won't last and it would take a very good control of emotions to not get overwhelmed with the fact that she/he doesn't love you. Humans are selfish, love is selfish. Humans feel dissatisfied knowing that their companion doesn't reciprocate their love.

As much as I wish to convince myself that I am ready, my Id tells me otherwise. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just random projections or really my true sub-conscious.

~~~~~~

How long has it been the last chapter? One year? Anyway, through all these thoughts, I think i got the idea of how to continue the story. So, probably will start working on it soon.

Although, I really feel very sad about the fact I can't put it into action like I wanted to. I guess sometimes what is meant to be is meant to be. Splitza was probably destined to be for private audience.

Confess to gamble

2011-01-13T06:28:00.001+08:00

Yesterday night before I went to bed, the about confessions being like a gamble struck me. Maybe at least for people in my generation.

When you have 2 higher possibilities, one being a happy ending where you get together and the other you simply destroy whatever relationship that was built. For some rare cases, you may be able to reconstruct a certain degree of friendship after a large amount of effort. It's tough work!

Sad to say, the first scenario seems to only happen in fiction, at least in my experience. As much as I wish to define myself with the word 'belief', it can be mentally draining. Is it a social norm or is it just me?

Trying

2010-11-10T00:26:00.003+08:00

Time and time again, I tell myself that I should try and try again. Not to give up when it gets tough, but I just can't seem to make things work. It's really sad or just not meant to be.

I don't know how I landed up in this state of emotion but I guess it probably has something to do with do with all the random thoughts have all the time.

I know sometimes I come across as pathetic and desperate, in my pursue for what I deem as a happy life. But, I guess no matter how much I mature and grow, I still need this.

I admit what is over is over, but I would like to keep what was lovely and sweet. The bitter part should treated as lessons learnt and part aside.

I know I have inadequacies in which I attempt to make up in behavior. If it seems offensive, maybe attempting to overlook it isn't as polite as one would think.

It's long past the dream frame, it is no longer a dream. I am just hoping that the result won't be too far off target.

Hopefully what seems to be a curse is just a blessing in disguise.

There is only so much shit I can take. After all, I am only human.

I miss Splitza...I miss her...

Social Comparison - Continued

2010-08-13T00:31:00.002+08:00

As promised, I will talk about the Social Comparison question that I posted. In any case, you are probably more normal choosing A under the Social Comparison theory. Because, people tend to compare upwards and it makes them unhappy. So, since you were given a chance to be happy, you would be more likely to choose it. For those who picked B, you are probably just very logical in seeing that B has a higher value, or maybe you are just more practical. Haha...

In any case, this was carried before and majority of the respondents picked A. So, I didn't decide on my own to say people who picked A are normal.

Hope you like this little piece of Psy fact. Till next time ~

Social Comparison

2010-08-10T00:51:00.002+08:00

I just finished my assignment and submitted it awhile ago. Now, I am waiting for my iPhone to finishing sync-ing. So, here's a little 'test' I came across while doing the assignment.

Choose 1:
World A - You earn $50k while others earn $25k
World B - You earn $100k while others earn $200k

I will talk about this on the next post.

It's been a long long time/Splitza: Alternate storyline Revealed.

2010-08-08T20:43:00.004+08:00

Yes, I know. It has been a freaking long time since my last post.

Let's see, what was I up to... I stopped blogging to prepare for my exams which ended in late May. Results were mediocre, but I can't expect too much considering the amount of effort I put in.

Then, had a break in June till recently when class started. Didn't really do anything significant, I think.

Now...Quite a bit of changes in office. Recently, reassigned to help out in a project and will need to travel in September. As a result of the project, I was pulled out from daily work and also RE Club (can't remember whether I mentioned about it on blog before).

The thing about RE Club is that I have been working in the club for more than half a year and planning of events such as D&D are in progress. So, I kind of feel bad about having to left halfway, though it wasn't my choice. RE Care(which is something I volunteered for which is about community services) is something that I was looking forward to, but didn't get to follow through for the same reason.

But, all that being said, I am not complaining or unhappy about the arrangement. In fact, it is quite exciting. I mean I get to go overseas as a junior. And all this recognition of my efforts at work with new responsibilities and training opportunities. It is all very nice.

Recently, I have been thinking. (yeah right, since when do I not think about something) Because I am doing Positive Psychology this semester and constantly coming across positive thinking during various training programs at work, I tend to think in a more positive light now. Consciously, at least.

It's a good thing. I am now revisiting certain bad memories from the past and doing a proper closing to that chapter of my life. It's not exactly the easiest thing to do, since emotions are involved. After doing that, I feel a whole lot better. Maybe that is why I haven't been blogging, because I didn't need to anymore. No emotion dumping was required.

Maybe now, I can start to blog about the stuff I intended to in the very very first place. Things about how I see and think about this complicated world of ours. Not that my views are special or THE WAY or anything of that sort, but I always believe that everyone's perspective would probably be unique in their own way. And maybe through this way we can learn from each other.

Years back, I started working towards my ideal world with the ideology from a simple movie. Now, I still am and I hope that I can make a difference in even just one persons life. And maybe it will be paid forward like how the theory should work.

Ok...I am starting to ramble, I shall stop here for now. =)

~~~~~~

Author Notes: As long as the entries has stopped, Splitza has also been on hold. I had no luck for the UNI item I intended to do. I guess I am still no good with offline creativity. Not trying to say that I have much creativity online. But, just this bit. That I have.

In any case, I won't start the chapters yet as I haven't figure out how to continue the story. If you know me well enough, it is probably unusual of me. Since, I am the kind of person who plans ahead quite a bit. Well, I did plan ahead and had a plot for quite a few chapters.

Remember I was saying that there was suppose to be an unfolding of a mentioned plot on 26 Mar 10. Well, Shiori was supposed to die on that chapter and also there was suppose to be a new character. But, after my little positive review (mentioned above) , I decided not to do it.

The truth is, Shiori was model after someone. Someone I wanted to forget and someone whom I had buried in my mind for quite a while. But, after my review, I had a different take of the situation and decided that she can continue to live in my heart as the perfect girl she was. (Hmm...Why did I put a picture of YUI there?)

It is right that people should calm down before they revisit the problem. It would probably look a whole lot less problematic.

In any case, Shiori won't die and the new character just have to find others ways of surfacing. And in doing this reveal regarding the original plot, some of you may start to think that in other words the characters and events are based on my life. My answer would be its up to your imagination and logical deduction as to whether it is based on my life. ;)

Birthday #23 - Arigatou/ Splitza Hiatus again~

2010-03-28T02:58:00.003+08:00

In a blink of an eye, we are through with the first 3months of 2010. I have to say this the year has been great so far. I got my bonus(not bad~) and pay rise too. Although, I haven't really fulfilled my target of losing weight and getting more serious with my studies, I will not stop trying.

For a while now, I have been trying to figure out what is causing my "mood swings" which is quite a problem for my studies and maybe determination to lose weight(though I think, it is more of an excuse). I have tried my methods to deal with the problem, nothing seems to the really work. But, deep down, I may already have the answer which I refuse to face. Nonetheless, that's that for now.

I know I have been "complaining" about the amount of birthday wishes I had received this year, but I just don't understand how come, that's all. Curious~ By the end of the day, I still ended up being contented with my birthday this year, though I there was a hint of sadness, disappointment and maybe regret. I don't wish to point fingers. I had a part to play too, which is why I don't wish to let such things happen again(or at least try to prevent it from happening).

Sometimes, I forgot that if we wanted something, we should work for it rather than waiting for it to come. I bet everyone will go something like "Of course la...you think will drop from the sky meh?". Cliche but for obvious reasons.

So, I will try to my best to make it work.

I am not sure whether I did this consistently for all the years, but I think from time to time I will thank people for being part of my life.

So, if I had to choose someone, that would be Rei-chan. Why? It's hard to put it all in words. I won't know how to explain as well. But, spending time just listening to your whims can already be enjoyable. What's more I have told you before, you are the best thing that happened me so far for 2010. I couldn't ask more for a birthday present. So, I don't care being too nice or just being around you might hurt my chances with other girls, it just means my time has yet to come. Although, I have failed with other people in the past and that made me weary about this kind of relationships, I wish to believe it would be different this time.

I hope you don't cry after reading because that's not my purpose. And I shall stop here before I get more and more mushy which I am sure none of us likes =P

Arigatou Rei-Chan~

~~~~~~

Author Notes: Sorry dear readers, I know I mentioned previously about the planned plot for Splitza which was suppose to unfold on 26 Mar 10. But, wasn't in the mood to get in down and now I am going(trying) into a intensive revision for my up coming exams. So, I have to put it on hiatus again. After my exams, I will be sitting down trying to draft the script for my item next year, maybe I will use the existing plot or something totally different.

Till next time~

Delivering/Splitza #6

2010-03-03T23:15:00.004+08:00

For some reason, I can't seem to deliver what I promised, not to myself. Although, I am not in any shit right now, if I continue doing it, I will be in shit soon. I don't know, maybe the dream from last night is hinting me, whats actually going on with my Id.

~~~~~

Previously(Quite a while ago), Jax asked Sam to help him date Shiori out. Now, Jax is checking on the progress of the plan with Sam...

Jax: Sam my man! Have you done what I told you to do?
Sam: Erm... about that Jax... I...
Jax: Don't tell that you haven't asked Shiori?
Sam: But, I really don't know how to help you...
Jax: It's such a simple task and you CAN'T EVEN SETTLE IT?!?!
*Jax grabs Sam by the shirt.
Emo-Bu: 你你...要干什么?
Jax: Wa... since when did you become so Chee-na... Maybe after giving you a good whack you can even speak Jap and you can go ask Shiori for me!
*Jax raises his other fist
Shiori: Jax! What are you doing?!
Jax:*Turns around* Shiori? No... I was just...
Shiori: Let Sam down now!
*Jax lets go of Sam
Shiori: *Running to Sam* Are you alright? Are you hurt?
Sam:*Cough cough* (Oh my god! Shiori is stroking my back) *Blush* I...am fine. Don't worry.
Shiori: How can you be fine? You are coughing so badly, come let's get you something to drink.
*Jax totally being ignored walked away disappointed

Sam: *Gulp* Thank you for stopping Jax back then.
Shiori: What was he trying to do?
Sam: Oh, it was nothing...
Shiori: You can't even tell me?
Sam: No no no....it's not that. It's just that...
Shiori: Hehe...you don't have to tell me. I was just teasing you.
Sam: Oh...haha...
Shiori: You are so cute!
Sam: *Blush* Huh?!
Shiori: Haha...you are blushing!
Sam: ANYWAY...how come you will appear there where Jax and I were?
Shiori: Oh, I forgot! I was looking for you and your classmates said you were with Jax. So, I came looking for you.
Sam: Looking for me?
Shiori: Yeap. Here. *Passes a piece of paper*
Sam: This is?
Shiori: This is the invitation to my piano recital this Sunday.
Sam: Aren't your parents going?
Shiori: No, they will be out of town. Whats more, you are my number one fan. It would be mean not to invite you, ain't it?
*Sam blushes
Shiori: You are blushing again!Haha...you are just adorable!
*Beep beep*
Shiori: Oh, I got to go. You have to come, ok? I will be waiting! Bye!
*Shiori waves goodbye and runs towards the car porch
Sam: Bye...

Ah Long: Sia la! Swee la!
Emo-Bu: Jax 真可怜...
Ah Long: Oi! Emo-Bu... you want kana from me izzit?
Emo-Bu: =x

To be continue...

Author's notes: This chapter was a bit unexpected, because I didn't think I will have time and energy to do it until maybe next week. In addition, this was not the original plot. But, I guess I stopped to long, I forgot the initial plot. =x

Working for it/Hiatus for Splitza?

2010-02-21T03:41:00.004+08:00

How is everyone? I hope good and well. We are halfway through CNY and Chingay 2010 has enjoyed with a nice supper at our usual Holland V spot and talk cock session at Indian street.

I have been busy with Chingay, assignments and sorting out some issues with myself. As a result, Splitza was put on hold for longer then I expected. But, I do anticipate myself to be busy for the coming weeks as well, so I decided to put temporary put Splitza on hiatus indefinitely. I don't know how many actually reads it and looks forward to the publishing of the new chapters, but I am sorry I would have to disappoint any of you. Hopefully, when I am back, I would have better ideas for the development and give an unexpected twist to the story to make it more interesting.

Sometimes, we tend to hope some this and that, but we often forget that there are certain things in life that is still more or less subjected to our influence. So, rather than just hoping for it to happen, wouldn't working for it improve the chances of whatever we hope for? But, maybe we tend to miss this blind spot or maybe it's just me.

I have always understood this simple rule of life, but I don't seem to be able to remember to follow it. Why leave it up to fate when you still have control? I can just see all the contradictory things I do, despite understanding and believing in this simple rule.

Nonetheless, at least I remember now, so I shall avoid being passive about it. Although, experience already has given me a glimpse of the future, I don't wish to give in before fighting for it. Not this battle, this battle is a battle I will fight.

It, I cherish.
It, I regret not.

Solving x

2010-01-29T22:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I thought that I have things all figure out, but I realise that I still can't find the value of x. I guess skipping steps out of complacency always has its risks. But, sometimes we just can't help it, because we are actively looking for ways to make our lives easier. By taking the equation for its face value, usually leads to a wrong solution. So, we shouldn't just dive in and crash into the concrete. But, there are times that the problem is really just that simple. Yet, these are the kind of situations people choose to think that things are not so simple. So, is it right for me to conclude that people trivialize complex issues and complicate simple issues?

I find myself always going back to the question.

Don't try to find the x in my equation.
Because you will just end with an error on your calculator.
Just as I did.
Let's just stick with 1 + 1.

Splitza Stage/Splitza #5

2010-01-25T00:04:00.003+08:00

I have been thinking about how I can present Splitza on stage for Anyhow Art '10. I have thought of many different ways of presenting and portraying the story. But, it seems that it is the story is more suited for platforms like TV and radio. I think maybe it is because Anyhow Art is not a conventional art event, so a lot of the stage elements that can help project the characters are missing.

But, oh well, I shall continue in search for my answer and hoping can fulfill one of my life goals.

~~~~~

Previously, Sam mentioned that Jax asked him to to set Jax up with Shiori and Sam was about to say another reason for being reluctant to do so...

Sam: Plus...I think I am in love with Shiori...

Ah Long: Sia la... No wonder la! I thought why you so bo liao, emo over such a small thing.

Emo-Bu: 真的吗？ So sweet~ 是从几时开始的?

Sam: It started the day...

I was on my way home when I heard this angelic voice and that beautiful melody. I walked towards where the piano and saw Shiori there playing the piano and singing. I was so mesmerized by it that I just stood there listening till silence took over, then did I realised that she finished. I don't know why I did what I did, but I quickly went off before she realised that I was there. I think maybe a part of me was afraid that she might dislike my presence there. I also don't know why I thought that way too.

After a week, I realised that she would always stay back late to sing and play the piano everyday. Since then, I have been quietly standing there listening to her everyday without fail.

One day, while listening to her, I sneezed and my presence was announced.

Shiori: Hi Sam, were you standing there listening to...me?
Sam: Hi...Shiori...er...yes, I was...
Shiori: You have been coming to listen to me for a few times already, haven't you?
Sam: Huh!Er... how did you know?
Shiori: Actually, I don't I am just guessing. Because, sometimes I hear someone there, but when I turn to see who it was, I was always too slow.
Sam: I am sorry...Am I disturbing you? (Luckily, she doesn't know that I come everyday)
Shiori: Nono! Not at all...just that I am a bit shy... *Blush* and I always though I was alone here...This is so embarrassing!
Sam: Oh, no! You are actually very good, so there is no need to be embarrassed.
Shiori: Actually, you are here...everyday right? *Blush*
Sam: HUH! I mean...oops you noticed...(Oh my god! She knows!)
Shiori: Haha...You're cute~
Sam:... *blush*
Shiori: Erm...I have to go...
Sam: Oh, ok. I will see you class.
Shiori: Bye!

*Shiori runs off

Shiori: *Turns around*Come and listen again tomorrow! *Smile*

Emo-bu: So sweet~!

Ah Long: Wa...Sam, you strike jackpot liao la!

Sam: -_-oioi~ What are the two of you thinking about?! But, haiz, I am still worried about Jax... Zzz...

*Next day

Jax: Sam my man! Have you done what I told you to do?

To be continued...

Author notes: Actually, when thinking for a name for the female character, I was really very tempted to use YUI. Haha... But, I didn't. =P Anyway, after some feedbacks, I am now experimenting with the lenght of the chapters. Do you all think this chapter's lenght is better?

Curse

2010-01-18T23:09:00.004+08:00

I run and run, trying to escape from this terrible nightmare.
But, no matter how far I run, I end up back where I started.

I don't know why, I just can't get away.
No matter how I hide and shove it into a corner, it just pops up again.

I tied to a place, I wanted to move away from.
Everything just seems to remind me of the same old thing.

Why am I bind to this curse?

Inspiration/Splitza #4

2010-01-17T23:31:00.006+08:00

It has been a while since I took long bus rides and thanks to these long bus rides I was able to generate ideas for the plot of Splitza for the coming chapters. I almost forgot how much I love long bus rides.

~~~~~

Previously Ah Long and Emo-Bu were asking what was bothering Sam.

Sam: Ok, there is this bully in school called Jax...

Jax: Hey, Sam!My man!
Sam: He...llo Jax...What can I do for...you... *gulp*
Jax: I heard that you are very close to Shiori...
Sam: Yeah? I mean I am her assigned buddy in class...
Jax: Good... Very good... I want you to set me up for a date with her!
Sam: But...But...
Jax: No Buts! Unless, you want to eat my fist!

Ah Long: Chey... I thought what...This kind of small ka...can't be bothered...You two can handle la...

Emo-Bu*: Ah Long! 你还说你要帮忙！嗨...Sam, 那你要这么办？

Sam: I really don't know...I mean how do I even tell Shiori**? I really don't want to have to betray her trust...Plus...

Emo-Bu: Plus? Plus 什么？

To be continued...

* Authors notes: I decided to change Emo-Bu's character to speak in more chinese after I did some exploring for the character.
** Shiori - A girl who will be talked about more in the chapters. Special thanks to Vivian for the name.

习惯/Why?

2010-01-11T22:51:00.005+08:00

不管是晴天还是雨天，你总是陪在我身旁。
你让我感受爱的感觉，让我习惯有你的时间。

在什么时候，你已不再像从前。
你的背影，就像是昨天。

为什么要对我说，你已习惯有我的日子？

~~~

Why did you walk in and left the door open?
Did you know that I was afraid that you would leave?
Why did you say the things that you did?
Did you know that I believed in all of them?
Why did you walk out and shut me in?
Did you know that I am still trapped inside?

~~~

这一切都是虚幻，都是谎言。
不要欺骗我，不要说永远。

Deadly Addiction

2010-01-04T21:12:00.003+08:00

Take a dose, enjoy the pleasure.
Feel it swim through my body, defile my blood.
Pain spreads to every inch.
But, I just can't stop going back.

It frees me of worries, it makes me happy.
I am numbed and calls fail to resonate.
Suffering every moment, drained of my emotions.
But, I am stuck with this deadly addiction.

Resolution/Splitza #3

2010-01-03T03:17:00.005+08:00

I just realized I didn't make any resolution for this year yet. Although, I intended to do so yesterday in the entry, today during a conversation I concluded that I always have the same resolutions/wishes. Ha! I guess it is just not working or maybe it is really just me. Oh well, I guess the right way to think is to take it easy.

These days I am just getting more and more confused with the signals I receive from my dear friend(s) up there. So, sometimes I really don't what I should do. I guess maybe status quo is my best bet.

~~~~~~

Previously on Splitza, Ah Long offered to help share Sam's problems but Emo-Bu reminds him that he is not the most suitable candidate.

Emo-Bu: Remember that time...

Girl: Hey, why are you so quiet today?
Sam: ...
Girl: You haven't said anything since dinner.
Ah Long: No la...I was thinking about something only...
Girl: What were you thinking about?
Ah Long: Girl ah...I know you like me, so you want to go steady mai?
Girl: What?!?!

Girl slaps Sam and stomped off.

Ah Long: Wao lao...that girl really got like Sam ma...She like him, he like her...Stead la!

Emo-Bu: Even if she liked him, you can't talk to a girl like that one...

Sam: Ah Long, I know you just want to help but I think romance is just not your forte.

Ah Long: Ok la... Next time you want to jio jio za bor, ask Emo-Bu lor...He very sensitive one~

Emo-Bu: Oi oi~!

Ah Long: Ok ok! Enough crapping...Sam, ji bai simi dai ji?

To be continued...

Question about Splitza

Q: Are this stories about your life?
A: This is for the reader to interpret.

Q: Have many chapters do you intend to write?
A: I don't have a number in mind, probably on going.

New Year/Splitza #2

2010-01-02T03:42:00.006+08:00

It's a new year again. I should say 2009 was a lucky year. I didn't do so bad for my exams, especially for this semester despite the lack of revision. As for work, I think all is well. Colleagues are nice and caring, work is not too stressful. Just right for a part-time student like me. Finally, got back to DI. I managed to helped out in Anyhow Art '09 and I must say it was tiring. But, I enjoyed myself. Fitness was not as it was yesterday. although I wish to make it yesterday once more, but I just can't seem to see it through.

I hope all is well in 2010, maybe a pleasant surprise would be nice.

~~~~~~

Ah Long: Oi Sam, why you emo huh? It's X'mas leh! Time to PARTY!

Sam: Aiya...I also don't like party one.

Emo-Bu: Yeah lor, party so noisy right. Don't go good...

Ah Long: Oi Emo-Bu! You better tiam tiam hor I tell you. If not next time I make sure you wake up at Changi village ar!

Sam: The two of you keep quiet la! I want to be alone...

Ah Long: Hello friend...simi be alone? We are all in your head leh...How alone you want to be? Only sometimes heng heng can come out play only.

Emo-Bu: Ah Long he means he don't want us to disturb him. Not literally be alone la...

Ah Long: Ha-nah! You kiang la... Give you 2 clap! Happy?

Sam: Oh come on...!

Ah Long: Aye brother...simi dai ji...share la...Maybe we can help you ma...

Emo-Bu: Ha! Ah Long help? You don't get Sam into trouble already very good liao. Remember that time.....

To be continued on next entry...

Splitza #1

2009-12-02T00:35:00.003+08:00

Have you ever talked to yourself?

No, I am not talking about reading to yourself.

Yes, something like that. Answering your own questions.

But, I am different.
I talk to them.

Message Someone Void

2009-11-23T22:58:00.006+08:00

Flares never lit the sky, voices always drown.
Messages just never seems to communicate.

Eyes are blind, ears are deaf.
Someone that was never there.

Racking through the library, flipping though pages of our memories.
All was a void in my mind.

~~~~~
Tear of the page and start over.
I was never good at writing stories.
Tearing off the pages was never easy.
But, I will keep doing it till it gets right.

Torn pages are not thrown away.
They are just kept somewhere I hope noone knows.
I am going to tear another page off and say goodbye.
But, this time it is different.

Stories are always told, but this time I never did.

Long over-dued post

2009-11-22T02:59:00.003+08:00

It's a long time since I posted an entry. Well, this semester hasn't been the best one and I don't really look forward to receiving my results in Dec. But, it's too late to whine about it and I guess the best is not to let it happen again.

The last time I left off was in Aug, but I don't think there was much happening since there, nothing major. Exams are over and here comes the year end frenzy at Elsevier. But, I am not complaining, because I really like it there.

Recently, I made a promise to lose weigh and I even bought a weighing machine to make myself commit. I hope my willpower last enough for anything to take effect and maybe I could transfer the determination to my studies.

These few days was so enjoyable. I got to meet up with people, watch movies and just sit around without feeling guilty. In a few hours time(not exactly), I will be heading back to DI(finally). I really miss those days when I was in army when almost everything was about dance.

For now, I should just sit back relax and enjoy the breeze before I face the music.

I don't know when did it go away, but it did. I am at peace and I feel glad. In front of my computer, I wonder if you feel the same way. But, I guess you might never realize it, you never did. But, it's alright. I am fine now. Life is better. I have gotten stronger. I hope you are happy with how things are. Although, I won't say I will still be the same if you ever needed me again, I will still be here.

Everything is reversed in your world. I seem to be walking backwards around you. I feel silly, but I am happy. It's a happy place to be. Maybe the day will come when I turn around facing you, maybe it won't come. But, let's just stop at this beautiful moment for now.

My arms are wide open, I am ready to embrace the world.
I am just waiting for something for me to hold tight.
I call out to you and watch time pass me by.
If you can hear my call, I am here.

Missing you

2009-08-31T23:26:00.005+08:00

I am not exactly missing one person here, so I just there is no point in asking who.
But, that person may be you. =)

Of these people that I miss, there are some who walked out of my life and some I let them walk out of my life.
It's probably too late to regret watching them just walk out like that without taking any actions.

Of course, I have wished that one day fate will bring us together again and maybe I could make up for lost time.
I could then say the things that I never said and do the things I that I never did.

But, all that is probably just dreaming because these things probably will forever stay as fantasies.
Unless one day, I see this fantasy coming true, its hard to believe.

Those that are still here might eventually leave one day, like the others did.
There is no dinner that lasts for ever.

But, yet I don't seem to be about to do anything about it.
It is always not the right time or feelings not right.

Most of all, I don't seem to be about express myself properly.
In the past, I over express myself.
But, now I can't seem to be able to even if I tried.

As I begin to uncover secrets to life, I discover keys to the unspoken closets in my heart.
I opened it to conclude that, its probably easier left shut.

Love is suppose to be irrational.
I couldn't explain my love for you.
Yet, when it is time to express my love.
I tried to rationalized something that never makes sense.

I really don't know how to express myself.

No more car...probably...

2009-08-28T12:48:00.002+08:00

Looks like won't have a car to drive anytime soon...

Take the hint, don't ask why.

Superego, Ego & Id

2009-08-20T19:27:00.007+08:00

We all have the Superego, Ego & Id which in layman term would mean stupid like "the angel and devil in your head".
The Superego is the angel and Id is devil.
The angel advocates morality and goodness and the devil advocates personal gains.
In a way, you end up as Ego balancing and keeping the 2 in check.

However, if it gets out of hand you probably become like this...

Missing piece

2009-08-10T23:42:00.010+08:00

Looked everywhere but just not there.
That little dark space just enough that I seem to care.

This is too big, that is too small.
Just can't seem to find the fit afterall.

I think of left, I take a right.
I just realised there is just no light.

I feel incomplete and need to know.
Where did the missing piece ever go?

I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I know the problem isn't you.
The things I do, the mistakes I make.
They just seem so wrong.
I need to get a grip and wake myself up.
Because it shouldn't bother me to this extent.
The more I learn, the more I discover.
There are things that I should know eariler.

Worse than this

2009-08-01T00:33:00.002+08:00

I guess somewhere alone the line we do this.
As for why we do it?
Two reasons that I can think of now:
1)You are thinking about something else.
2)You believe this is what is called studying.

Well, for me at the moment its neither...
...its worse than this.

Turn off my GPS?

2009-07-23T18:36:00.004+08:00

Have been bumping around lately(literally as well as figuratively), which totally just gets my mood down. It's not like I have been doing evil deeds or anything. I guess maybe it's just as Zhenyu says, "This shows that Karma is bullshit." Or maybe it just means that I have more Karma than I know.

But, it has all got me thinking whether what I am doing and seeking is wrong?I mean most of the time I end up crashing into things and it just sucks.

Honestly, I am tired of chasing after answers which I have no idea for what questions. It's as good as chasing after little red globes which half the time probably end you up somewhere else. Worse of all, it ends you up in deep shit.

Maybe it's time I turned off my GPS and let others do the bumping.

But...easier said than done...I probably need to find the off button first.

PS: I decided to adopt Michelle's style to accompany the text with a picture. I guess the picture would help especially when the entry gets lengthy and can also set the tone of the entry.

PSPS: No pun intending in the picture and text. But, I guess that imagination is yours...

What did I do to deserve this?

2009-07-18T01:37:00.002+08:00

Seriously, why is everything just not going my way?
I have done nothing wrong!But, why me?

I am in enough pain as it is, why did you have to add salt to it?
Seriously, enough is enough!

Do you need me to paint the whole picture for you?
Do you?

Or have your pictures always been painted upon mine?

Who am I kidding?
Obviously, it was my fault.

All that?Excuses!
Wake up you fat ass!

Seriously, serious give me a break.

Blind corner

2009-06-23T19:19:00.002+08:00

I tried to blog using my Iphone on the bus to work today, but Iphone is not exactly blog-friendly.

Anyhows, here is a long awaited entry and by popular demand too.

First, I shall briefly address some of the happenings since last entry.

1)Daryl's birthday and my treat - We went to Hillcrest for pizza. The pizza there are huge, too bad no pictures to show. But, we "ordered" $200 worth ice-water, visit Zhiyan's blog for prove.(Yan, I help you advertise your blog leh!)

2)Stay over at Zhenyu's place for Wii and supper - Apparently people don't my "rock" singing =x I have to say that weekend was well spent though half of it was used to recover from the lack of sleep.

3)Wee Yen's wedding(army buddy) - Our army 'Lao Da' finally had his wedding dinner after being engaged for about 2 years at Marina Mandrain. Congrats dude.

Second, I got back my results for semester2 and I did much better than I have expected. Not trying to humble, but really its a pleasant surprise. I got 4.25 GPA for this semester, so my overall now increased to 4.12. Woo!

Sometimes, solutions are just right infront of us, yet we can't see until much later. Sometimes, so much so that it is too late. I am not trying to post something "emo" again, because the thought struck me from work related stuff.

Somehow it is as if we have a blind corner that we just can't see. It is probably just something very simple, yet it just doesn't cross our minds.

Up to this point, I realised today's topic is abit stucked. I don't really remember why I wanted to blog about this topic in the first place. Haha... Now, I seem to be just rumbling rubbish. I think I shall leave it as it is and see whether I can continue some other time. Or you guys can contribute to the topic, maybe it will give me more talking points.

Our mind is such a mystery...
...it can make you believe that something not real is real.
So much so that...
...it is very difficult to change your mind, literally,
Is that why?
Is that the reason?

PS:The first 4 lines is not just "emo" crap, they are loosely based on a psychology theory, which I won't go into the technicalities.

Fan Jian

2009-05-20T20:52:00.000+08:00

Fucking Fan Jian!

Expectations

2009-05-17T03:37:00.003+08:00

Everyone has their own expectations for many different aspects of their daily life. But, when our expectations are not meet, different kinds of uncomfortable feelings fills us up.

I also have my expectations of things. But, I didn't expect to be this peaceful. Somehow, it disturbs me. Maybe it has always been an illusory emotion, or it could be the wonderful works of my immune system. But, it just feels as if I am short of something, or maybe just lost at where this is to begin with. I think it is as though I was thrown off and wake up to find myself in an unfamiliar place.

Now, I don't know where to begin, or whether it has even ended. I don't know what to expect. Its not like I will get a memo about the upcoming events in my email.

In 3 days, it will mark the closure of this chapter, probably.

Maybe you are right,
I guess I should thank you instead.

Maybe complementary really doesn't work.
Maybe at the end of the day, I will find my shadow.

Thank you

2009-05-04T13:37:00.000+08:00

Thank you for patronizing.

This is what you get..

2009-04-27T18:17:00.002+08:00

This is what Ixxxn gets for pissing me off with the 30sec craps. Anyway, I recommend people who watch one piece to look at the one piece video. I cant' shuffle the list, so please click on menu to see the full list. At the moment, there are 15 titles.

Sony copyrighted all YUIs videos, now youtube no longer host YUIs videos!!!
That is why you might realise the LACK of YUI songs. =(

Shortlived

2009-04-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

Who would have known that the effects were so shortlived?

What's the rush?/Accidentally Enlightenment

2009-04-22T23:32:00.003+08:00

Today, I decided to blog because of 2 reasons(not the topic of the day).

1) I was feeling damn irritated in the morning.
2) Felt slacky today and decided to take the day from studying. (which lead to a right decision)

Time and time again people will say that we are all too fast paced. Zoom here and there, everything has been ASAP. I am one of those people who say and do the zooming at the same time. Yes, I know I just openly contradicted myself. But, I am sure I am not the only one(not saying that to make myself feel better).

But, an encounter today made be realised how zooming around can knock people down in the process. Basically, a customer called to ask for some information, which I tried to give him, but he wasn't satisfied with my answer. I tried to ask if he wanted me to transfer his call to the appropriate person in charge he refused saying its too long winded(I was like 'Huh?'). In the end he got fed-up and hang up on me. I shan't go into details of what happen and technically speaking that person wasn't talking to me logically in the first place. In the end, has still has to come back to us for help. As the Chinese saying goes '早知如此，何必当初。' So, after while of feeling upset about it(because initially I feel that I didn't handle the situation well), I decided that I should forgive him for his fallacy.

Fortunately, someone reminded me of some things in life that I should think about and now I deem as important. Maybe they have occured to me before, but I guess I forgot about them or they simply didn't register then.

Sometimes because we feel that since its the norm, we just follow it blindly. Later, then we realise that the norm does not coincide with our beliefs. At that point time, people who are strong minded might decide to change their behaviour and do as they deem fit, ignoring the fact that they may be same as the out- lyer.

Nobody says that you have to get a degree, drive a car, live in big houses, earn big money and many more to be happy. That's what most people think that lies at the end of the road, which is true if you are one of those who things that happiness can't be achieved without wealth. Right now let's be realistic, we all agree that we need to earn enough at least to feed , clothe and probably put a shelter over our heads. This norm would probably fit most people, although I am sad to say not all are able to achieve this.

So, after achieving this, what's next? I believe everyone has their own set of beliefs and values, which is shaped by many factors to list. And along the way, our beliefs gets shaken because of the so called society norms. This is the time where we should ask, 'What is it we really want? What is it that truely brings happiness to our lives?'

For those whose wants is the same as the society norms, then good for them. For those who don't, then maybe you should take time to think about it.

Once you have decided to embark on a journey, don't complain or blame. Because you chose this path(even if it was because of other circumstances, YOU still CHOSE this path). As the army term goes, suck thumb lor...

Anyways, I not sure whether I make sense a not because I am just typing as it flows in my head. It may be circular logic, but I guess you guys should get the rough picture.

I want to thank the person who give me this accidentally enlightenment or maybe just a reminder, a wake up call. Although, I am not sure whether she has any idea what she has done or said in the first place, I guess it's not important.

Relationships are fragile.
Things happen.
I guess somestimes we have to accept reality for what it is.
I have to accept myself for who I am.
I will be appreciated.

Life should be the way it is that you see it,
not as the way people paint it.

Everyday

2009-04-20T00:46:00.002+08:00

I wake up to the melodies of the alarm.
Rub my eyes and shake my dreams away.

I lumber here and there.
Typing here scribbling there.
My legs are aching, fingers are numb.

I use laughter to and humor to fill my head.
I scan around for social attachment.

Sometimes I go back to the cycle...
...today I don't.

There has been much struggle, I have yet to come to a conclusion.
Everytime, I wished that it wasn't this hard.

Have you been touched?

2009-04-12T03:08:00.004+08:00

Not long ago, someone asked me, "So, what's your motivation?"

I thought that was easy. For a very long time, I have always wanted to help people in the ways I am good at. That was why, I joined CDC where I learned first-aid. I also decided to embark on my journey to get my Degree in Psychology.

I must say from time to time I would complain to myself for not studying harder for my A levels and hence landing me in the current predicament. But, I guess I learned a lot taking this other route. Studying at uniSIM is not exactly fun as university should be, which is why I call the current situation a predicament. But, because of uniSIM I am able to work and support myself. So, I guess despite the difference from my ideal, I am on a different but right track.

After getting the degree, I would love to become a school counsellor and devote my time in helping students who are caught in some shit. I always believe that whatever that happens to us when we are young is going to have a big impact on our lives. Although, my teaching says that it is not necessary and that in the later parts of our lives the impact might get corrected and we will be fine. But, why take those chances?

Some people may have a bright future but end up destroying that light due to some mistake they make or even mistakes that others make. Worst of all, is that they can't seem to find help. Thats where I hope to come in.

Its funny that I have such ambition. Ideally, I would sound like a great Samitarian. But, I don't think I am. Nonetheless, the inspiration of people who tried to make a difference in my life has brought me thus far. So, this is not where the train stops.

However, its sad to say that over the years which I spent trying to make a difference in other people's lives, it always seems that I didn't succeed. Everything I devote time and effort to make that difference, whether big or small, I hope that somehow I have touched them. But, everytime when I thought I did, I realised I overestimate my significance. Its not that I help to be acknowledged, but it definitely motivates me to be acknowledged.

But, I guess it can't be blamed. Humans are by nature weird creatures. I guess the way people think is getting more and more unpredictable with the advancement of technology and the use of internet. It always intrigues me that people who don't msn, sms or call each other, in other words distant, can seem so close and "in contact". The same goes to the fact that when people seemed excited and happy to see friends on the streets, despite the fact that they actually "see" each other online everyday. The only difference is that they don't talk online. I am sure all this has theories that can explain them in ways that I would agree. But, till then, it will remain a mystery.

So, what's my motivation? To help people? To touched people? To be acknowledge by people?

You are smiling at me.
That makes me happy.
Oh...that was just a picture of you.

I hear a beep.
That makes me excited.
Oh...you only wanted directions.

I feel stupid and childish.
Its all unnecessary, unrequited.
The pain won't go away.
It is taking just too long.
The 100 days countdown just keeps reseting.
I lack determination.
Either of us has to go.
But, I know its not fair for you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
So...I guess its all clear.
Please wash it away.

the final hour

2009-03-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

I know you have been waiting for a miracle to happen.
But, deep in your heart, you know that it's just wishful thinking.
You of all people should know better to hope for the hopeless.

Why do you think you can help others when you can't either help yourself?
Self-denial is not going to get you anywhere you wish you would be.
The reality is what you know it is.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think that as if it's out of your control.
Your knowledge clearly tells you the opposite.
You know that you can be happy...

I know it's down to the final hour but what is a man in love got to do?
Time and time again you tell me that I am just imagining things and that I am going to get over it.
But, the truth is it always seems to be contradicted.

You think I long a miracle, I think I long for fresh start.
But, maybe at the end of this race, we end up at the very beginning.
This beginning which we both think that shouldn't have embarked on.
But, since the journey has began, I should just go where the roads me to.
So, maybe you should stop telling me to abandon it all together.

Life is full of surprises.
Sometimes you are happy, sometimes you are sad.
You make friends who say they will walk you through your life and also friends who walks with you.
You make decisions that you think is right but deemed by others as wrong.
You learn to listen but often talk too much.
You learn to see but often miss things out.
You feel pain too often when there isn't a wound.
You feel frustrated thinking that it wasn't your day.
You feel unlucky even when you are still kicking.

There are so many things that you learn, do, make and feel that it's impossible to list them all.
Fate leads in your own hands.
After this final hour, maybe we both can say that we won't need to see each other again.

Tick Tick Tick

2009-03-17T12:52:00.001+08:00

Tick...tick...tick...

The red?The blue?The black?

or None?

Sometimes its as simple as blowing it out...

...then again...

...sometimes its not.

An update

2009-03-12T00:27:00.002+08:00

Since, the last entry nothing much happened but I guess I should do some update at least on my current job. But, before I go into that, I just want to mention that DI is going to prepare for the moving to Lavender later in the year. I wonder whether a new environment will be good. But from the way things look, probably not.

In school, I am definitely learning more and more interesting things which is so relevant to life.

Basically, I am really happy with this job. No matter how I compare, its still better than the previous. Although, now I am only into my third week, I am already offered to convert. I have accepted the offer, now pending for HR to process the details before I sign and make things official.

An update feels so familiar yet so distant.
A feeling that was in the distant past, suddenly returns as a familiar present.

Got a job...

2009-02-17T20:18:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I last blogged. Well, I think only 3 major happenings passed by.

1) Chingay '09 - I was only there for the first day because I had classes on the second. Honestly, I think the parade this year is really bad. I do not think that the money allocated to the various items are justified and the finale was rather anti-climax in my opinion. I watched the replay and was quite disappointed.

2)Lao yu sheng at Zhenyu's place - Although, Zhenyu think that it was a lame gathering as most people went to sleep quite early and some left early too, at least I enjoyed myself with the Wii boxing. Omg...it is really freaking exhuasting to play that game. Haha...but I liked it. And I finally got to eat the nachos that we brought for New Year Day. But, too bad the salsa and the cheese wasn't as good as the first time I tried it.

3)Vanessa's birthday/V-day celebration - Celebrated the day for Vanessa together with Vivian at Waraku(The Central). I bought sunflowers for them and they got me a small gift(paper rose wit chocolate inside from Vanessa and a "goodie bag" from Vivian) too. After sending the ladies home, went to meet the guys for supper.

Highlight of the day: I have a job!!!

I guess I know where I stand.
It may not be an answer.
But, it was definitely a clue.

But, I guess all is well.
I just need to remember what I had learn.
And hopefully apply it.

Relief the ache

2009-01-27T21:23:00.002+08:00

It sucks to ache again.
Well, its no surprise.
If only I have the medicine for it...

School starts

2009-01-20T14:34:00.002+08:00

Its being a while since a proper entry. Basically, nothing is missed other then the countdown at Zhenyu's place where the 2 main chefs(Zhenyu and Zhi Yan) cooked everyone a wonderful dinner. I truthly enjoyed the dinner, it was brilliant. It was a really enjoyable evening with the highlight of Chee Hao's Drunken Dance.

School started yesterday and I am trying to pick up the pace to set everything to the right speed. Otherwise, I would probably have to go through that dreadful period preparing for the exams. Just horrible.

Well, its the new semester, but I guess nothing much changed.(other than the module of course) But, I do hope if anything were to change, it would be a pleasant one. But, I ask for too much, since "feng shui" indicates that this is not a good year for the rabbits.

Next week is going to be Chinese New Year and Chingay as well. But too bad, due to the CNY, my classes are moved to Saturday, thus taking away my chance to be at Chingay this year.

The NUS Bash that Zhenyu and Michelle are involved is this Saturday. I am looking forward to it and hope that I would have fun.

Unknown vision

2009-01-20T14:22:00.002+08:00

Why am I seeing all this things?
Is there a link between them and the things that are happening?
If so, what am I suppose to do?
Offense? Defense?

The more I discover, the more I realise this is just all illusory optimism.
Maybe this is a phase of fading...
...or I am just trying to explain such behaviour.

Over the times, I should have learned to recognise such situations.
Yet, I don't ever seem to learn.

It is no wonder people often think they know themselves...
...when more often than not, they are clueless.

It's just stupid

2008-12-29T02:10:00.002+08:00

Have it ever crossed your mind how I felt when you asked that?
Well, maybe never bothered.

I feel selfish and stupid.
For the most part, stupid.

One decision, mutiple contradictions

2008-12-27T14:46:00.002+08:00

I said what I though was nice and right. But, now I feel contradicting, yet I know it's pointless even if I didn't say what I did.

Stop messing with my head.

evolution?

2008-12-27T04:40:00.002+08:00

From the beginning of time, creatures have been evolving for survival and adaptation. I guess humans are the same, eventually from from some sort of ape to what we are now.(don't know whether it's right to say this as I recall coming across another theory) Humans develops all sorts of nonsense to make life easier, or it may seem to be. So, like everything else, I guess there is some kind of balance in the changes that take place. You get something for something else as the price just like in trading(or the ancient barter trading). Those who knows full metal alchemist might appreciate this theory better.

Under the pact of all the elements, I hereby forgo the element of water for the element of fire. Hopefully, with this new found strenght I could brave through the upcoming obstacles.

I hope you are doing the right thing. I don't think it is a wise choice. By forgoing your element of water, you are destroying the natural balance that you were created with.

I have made up my mind.

I hope your exchange is an evolution not a D-evolution.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have lost my soul, my identity. I don't use to be like this. Why have I become this horrible monster? Changes have taken place and I have no idea why. What is happening to me?

Is it the flame bottled in me burning me up from inside?

I really have no clue what is going on.

Maybe it is really D-evolution...

Silent Night

2008-12-24T23:07:00.002+08:00

Well, it is X'mas eve today, so I wish everyone a merry X'mas. It's kind of sad that I am actually writing up my entry now at home, but I guess I would not enjoy much either even if I was still out. Because I am sick. It's really sad to be sick on such joyous occasions where there is good food and all, but that is how it is.

Just got back from a X'mas dinner with Michelle and Mao Rong. Dinner was quite crappy, though not expensive, but I am not complaining. Michelle baked a giant gingerbread man for me!(ok, actually it was actually between the choice of the gingerbread or cookies but I let Mao Rong do the picking)

Well, I also just got back from the trip to Langkawi. I didn't spend much on the trip(other than eating). Generally, I think the trip was alright but I think the others would have enjoyed it much better.

Highlights:
1) There was extremely huge amount of walking, especially on the day we were looking for a car to rent. I think we easily clocked 20km that night alone. o.O

2)Zhenyu's "Ok la...nevermind...50RM" experience.(due to certain complications I think its not appropriate to tell the full story here)

3)A petrol station that has NO PETROL?!?! The station was closed and only when someone asked the locals, then everyone realised that station is out of petrol.

4)Chee Hao's Hagendaz in liquid form!!! Mr CH decides to give himself a treat but to find the ice cream to be in liquid form. After being "kao peh" by Zhenyu to get a refund, the store assistant realised that the Hagendaz fridge was not on.

5)Sam's first cable car ride. Well, basically it felt great and exciting. Despite the fact that I fear heights, I felt safe in that box.

6)The amazing view from 700+m and the mesmerizing sunset(I think the pictures will be up on Zhi Yan's blog but maybe not so soon)

7)Ever heard of a car battery alarm? The car we rented broke down while Zhi Yan was trying to park it and we had to push the car to the side and call the rental company. We were told to wait at the restuatrant nearby, so we decided 2 of us will walk over and wait for the guy. We were only a short distance from the car when Zhenyu shouted to us saying that the guy is here. And by the time we walked back to the car, he had already fixed the problem. Apparently, the car battery was faulty and needs replacement. So, the alarm locks down the car to remind the owner to get it changed. Very dangerous! Anyway, the guy who helped us fixed the car was super cool and we were all stunned by the speed the whole thing happened. Its hard to describe.

8)The food provided at the snokelling trip was really out of this world!
Comments from the group:
Chee Hao:My sister cooks better than this. No, even I cook better than this.
Zhenyu: Even overnight KFC also not as bad as this.

9)The torturous climb of that mountain where the sunset was. Gabriel and me gave up half way while the rest tracked further. I think it must be a pretty big accomplishment to finish the whole climb.

Just not right

2008-12-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

Some events has just passed since my last entry, events like Zhenyu's and Michelle's birthday and also the failure of my laptop. Well, everything is back(including my laptop) and the year is ending soon. Looking at the calendar, on Wednesday I will be leaving and Christmas will follow by the time I am back, and before you know it, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Currently, life's good I guess. I don't really have anything to complain about(other than the only thing I do complain about). I mean have good grades(for now) and for some reason my father seems more approachable now. So, I guess I should enjoy while things last.

It's being a while. Things have changed every since, but somethings just seems to stay the same. Feeling seems kind of new, but I know it is the same feeling just with a hint of distance. Time has eroded the memory of the dreams I had, now it seems to be just an unfinished puzzle. I missed my chance, only to understand that its all destiny. Even if I had spotted you in the darkness, fate will eventually bring us about. Hope is just an intoxicating drug which just seems to be the reverse of painkillers.

Wind blows at my face guiding alone the invisible tears down my path of sorrow. Slowly, drowning my sadness. All that's left is all colourless, washed out from my treasure trove. Now, all colour seems inviting, yet are they pure and permanent? Lost on this winding road back to reality, the candy houses are at times just too tempting. Even if there were no witch in there, it would be a miracle if I decided to step in.

But, maybe I might, for all that is ahead is just a blur. Slowly, only will the focus come into visual. Locking down on the targets, ready to fire. Anticipating the explosion that would follow, the excitement that would be felt. The feeling of adrenaline rushing all over just thinking about it.

But, wait...these are all not real...right? No...these are all not real...They are...just not right...

Then, what is right?

Glorious GPA

2008-12-11T20:39:00.000+08:00

I score a GPA of 4.03!Booya!

pain vs numb

2008-11-21T23:48:00.002+08:00

Which is more unbearable? Pain or numb?

If you only have one of them, probably just the one that you are feeling. But, if you had both, then I guess both are just as irritating.

Life recently is just boring, plain boring. Don't be mistaken, I was talking about the emotional part only. When I was in love, I was always emotional. But now that I am not(actually it is still a debatable thing, but its easier to just leave it this way), life seems more boring and lifeless. Maybe it is the numbing effect, or the isolation effect(from a psychological theory of "intimacy VS isolation" applied on young adults) has just kicked in.

TV is like poison to our emotions, because the storylines are always sensationalized to increase viewership. Watching to much of TV probably just make you more envy and depress about life.

Sometimes when I feel that I should talk about it, but I have absolutely no idea what I want to talk about. Its like I am being stuck.

Someone give me a sign, tell me what to do...

Time flies...actually crawls sometimes...

2008-11-05T03:48:00.004+08:00

I haven't really blog for a very long time. You guys must be curious why I am suddenly blogging now, especially since my exams are still not over yet. Well, I intended to go to sleep but for some reason I feel rather awake. I think its because of all the late night mugging.

Actually, all this mugging is screwing up my body clock. Now, I seem to sleep more than ever. Sounds like a pig? Yeah, I know. But, then again, I think it was already screwed before this.

Alright, I took a look at my last proper entry and it was dated 6/9/08. I have nothing to say in defense for that. Well, hopefully its still not too late to do a bit of recollection. Actually, there isn't much to recollect, other then Zhiyan's birthday which I think he did quite a good job covering.

Seriously, after quitting job and staying at home, supposedly study, I accomplished some things(maybe not really accomplishments) and realised a couple of things.

1) Completed 7 seasons from Malcom in the Middle - Well, Zhiyan always say that the show is for teenage girls, but I got my fair share of laughs from it.

2) Simpsons last viewed season 19 episode 16 - Currently, they just aired season 20 episode 4 over in US. I think I know what you guys are thinking about at this point.

3)I think I am actually studying harder than A's. (which is only right and a good thing)

After my exams, I am going to...

1)Sort my magic collection and maybe psycho you guys to join me back in the game.

2)Really, really start losing some weight.(I still want to be able to hide behind my brother)

3)Try to initate gatherings.

The last point was probably the thing that kept me awake. Recently, one of my ex-colleauge from APD contacted me regarding some uniSIM stuff because she is starting term in uniSIM next year too. I chatted with her a bit and all that. Then, all the memories of my 2 years there started to pour back.

To some people, NS is a drag. But, I guess I won't be one of them. In fact, other than the times when lame ass officers tries to backstab a harmless NSF, I think the general experience was wholesome. I am not really sure if I had talked about all this before, but I guess it won't hurt. It's needless to say that we forge deep friendship with our buddies(although I don't get to bunk with them, but we do nap together), people like Alwyn, Wee Yen, Jin Wei, Jun Hao and loads more, there are also the officers and DX. The officiers at AWSB taught me quite a lot of stuff and departed quite an amount of wisdom to me. The feeling they give me is comaradrie(did I get the word right?) kind of feeling. It feels good. Even people like Rene, although we have only worked together for barely a year, I think she knows more about me then some of my friends that I have made schooling.

It's amazing how this kinds of things happen, yet all you can do is to indulge in the sweetness of those memories. Asking for a meal with these people may be quite a task, don't you think? Maybe it's just me, but will you people friend it awkward if you were invited to such gathering and find that you guys have nothing to talk about? I guess it most probably is a psychological barrier.

Memories slowly flow to the other side, time swiftly flash across our minds.
Till the end of them all, will they meet once more.
今天的你还好吗？

Thinking is no longer logical.
Feeling was ever magical.
Maybe if I pause thoughts, then I will see once more.

IQ test

2008-11-02T19:37:00.002+08:00

I did a IQ test that was recommended in my notes. It was only 15mins. Those who are interested can go try http://www.intelligencetest.com. From my point of view, and my scores, the questions are fairly easy, other then the general knowledge ones which, as the test also suggests, that I am weak in. Results as follows:

Full analytical report for sam

Please bookmark this page; it will be available online for two weeks. You may also print a copy of each section for your records.

General statistics

Total number of questions: 30
Questions answered: 30
Questions not answered: 0
Questions answered correctly: 27
Questions answered incorrectly: 3
Percentage correct answers: 90 %

Your age adjusted IQ score is 132 and the average score for all test takers is 100.

Your Grade ** Gifted **

Anyone with a general IQ this high is considered to be gifted. You have the ability to think critically, conceptualize ideas and form your own conclusions. Your ability to think in patterns and to produce order out of chaos enables you to handle complexities and see logic in everything. Needless to say you are self-aware of your abilities and have the brains for all known occupations. If you think of intelligence as the ability to adapt easily to new situations then you are at the top of the charts.

Standard Deviation: 15

The bell curve (also called a "normal curve" or "normal distribution") is a graph that shows approximately how much of the population falls into each IQ range. In theory, if we tested everyone in the world with a traditional IQ test, most people would score in the "Average" range. A smaller number would score moderately below average and moderately above average. Very high and very low scores are rare.

The scores and percentiles above apply to tests that have a standard deviation of 15 points. The Stanford Binet Fourth Edition (Binet FE) has a standard deviation of 16 and the Wechsler scales (such as the WPPSI-R, the WISC-III, and the WAIS-III) have a standard deviation of 15. Therefore, for different scales the percentages may vary.
Click here to convert your score to the Cattell and Stanford-Binet scale.

Grade Statistics

Grade	Range	Percent
Genius	>144	0.13%
Gifted	130-144	2.14%
Above average	115-129	13.59%
Higher average	100-114	34.13%
Lower average	85-99	34.13%
Below average	70-84	13.59%
Borderline low	55-69	2.14%
Low	<55	0.13%

Mental abilities have the highest correlation with general intelligence of all objectively measurable abilities and they are the primary focus of this test. Furthermore the mental abilities targeted for measurement were specifically chosen because they have been shown to correlate highly with many other abilities. The graphs below show how you scored in various abilities such as pattern recognition and logical reasoning - skills which are all reliable predictors of academic achievement.

Graphical representation of intelligence scores.

Intelligence score chart

Verbal
Mathematics
Spatial
Logic
Pattern Recognition
General Knowledge
Short Term Memory
Visualization
Classification

Percentiles chart

Verbal
Mathematics
Spatial
Logic
Pattern Recognition
General Knowledge
Short Term Memory
Visualization
Classification

Strengths and weaknesses

Your highest score was in Spatial

Exceptional intelligence does not guarantee results -- to achieve excellence you must fully understand your strengths and learn to maximize your efforts. Knowing your greatest intellectual strength may give you insight into how you can improve your learning process, work better with others, or become more self aware of your abilities. According to this test your spatial skills are the most developed of all your intellectual capabilities - your capability to manipulate 3-D objects in space is your biggest strength.

Your lowest score was in Classification

Weaknesses are the roadblocks we face when trying to achieve our goals. Awareness of your weaknesses allows you to predict problems and find solutions ahead of time, thereby alleviating future headaches. According to this test your classification skills are the most underdeveloped of all your intellectual capabilities - your capability to discover the commonalities between words, pictures and objects is your biggest weakness.

career test

2008-09-21T04:00:00.003+08:00

I have done the career test linked from Zhongyi's blog. It's based on your colour preference, which I find quit interesting as I have never come across this kind of test. Anyway here is the link if anyone is interested and the results for my test is below. By the way, I find it quite interesting but I still think being a researcher is too boring for me.

http://www.careerpath.com/career-tests/colorcareercounselor.aspx

sam, based on our experience with many different professionals, your color preferences indicate that the occupations below best suit your personality and interests. Note also that a listed profession, never before considered, may seem off. For example, if you love to type, data entry operator might be listed as well, even though you want to be a fiction writer.

BEST OCCUPATIONAL CATEGORY

You're a RESEARCHER

Key Words: Independent, Self-Motivated, Reserved, Introspective, Analytical, and Curious

e investigative types gather information, analyze and interpret data, and inquire to uncover new facts. They have a strong scientific orientation, enjoy academic or research environments and prefer self-reliant jobs. Dislikes are group projects, selling, and repetitive activities.

RESEARCHER OCCUPATIONS
Suggested careers are College Professor, Physician, Psychologist, Pharmacist, Chemist, Marketing Research, Inventor, Sales Forecasting, Project Engineer, Dentist, Identifying Consumer Demand, Chiropractor, Dentist, Medical Technician, Optometrist, Research & Development Manager, Respiratory Therapist, Real Estate Appraiser, Chiropractor, Veterinarian, Geologist, Physicist, Science Teacher, Medical Technologist, and Author of Technical Books.

RESEARCHER WORKPLACES
Task-oriented careers where you can become absorbed in the job, be original and creative, and not conform to rigid company rules will work best for you. Unstructured organizations, for example, that allow you to sail your own ship are vital.

Suggested Researcher workplaces are universities and colleges, home office positions, medical facilities, computer-related industries, scientific foundations and think tanks, research firms, and design laboratories.

2nd BEST OCCUPATIONAL CATEGORY

You're an ORGANIZER

Key Words: Self-Control, Practical, Self-Contained, Orderly, Systematic, Precise, and Accurate

These conservative appearing, plotting-types enjoy organizing, data systems, accounting, detail, and accuracy. They often enjoy mathematics and data management activities such as accounting and investment management. Persistence and patience allows them to do detailed paperwork, operate office machines, write business reports, and make charts and graphs.

Contradictary

2008-09-06T07:11:00.002+08:00

Today, I have lessons at 9, but came to school early cause I hitched a ride from my parents. I am rather surprised that the school is actually already opened at 7, only that the classrooms are not opened. But, by 0730, the school staff will start to open the classrooms. Nonetheless, it has no difference to me as there is no power sockets for students in the classrooms, so I decided to stay in the corridors.

It has been 1 week since I left Panalpina, but honestly, not much work has been done(none in fact). Its really a very waste of time and lack of self-discipline. I haven't really started out on any of the things I aim to do. I just checked my grades for 2 of my modules and I got an average of 75 for both modules, which I think is the average score that people should be getting. I need to work harder than this if I want to get my first class.

I know I want it, yet I am not doing it.
I think sometimes doing maths is much better.
我站在这平衡点，但却感到有点危险。
者是否就是擦肩而过，还是一种无情的考验。

Numb but still hurts

2008-08-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

Today, lessons ended way ahead of time as there was nothing left to cover given today was the last lesson for that module. Amy and I walked around the campus and found a corner to chit-chat while waiting for her friend, who was picking her up.

She started pouring about her ex-boyfriend and stuff, when she suddenly turned the arrow and talked about my "patience". When we were leaving she patted my back and asked me not to be sad. I wasn't exactly lying that I wasn't sad, but I was at least thinking about it.

I feel numb, but yet I experience pain.
In or out?

Getting Serious

2008-08-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

I just finished studying 1 chapter from 1 of my modules. I am not actually being hard working, this is actually the result for feeling guilty for not spending the week off more effectively. I quited my job hoping that I will have more time to study. But, turns out I am just thinking it too easy. Although, I am going back to work next week, I have made my mind to quit after the 1 week that I promised to help them out. This time hopefully I will stick to my decision and not fall for guilt trip again.

Alright back to work, just like said I was studying after feeling guilty and I came to a conclusion. I am still more used to studying in the night, especially when everyone is asleep. I guess there is less distraction from the family. Fortunately, after 3 days off slacking and playing, I am starting to get bored of playing games. But, I do still have 1 more big temptation...and that is to sit back and enjoy Simpsons. I am really addicted to it at the moment. I have finished one and a half season in the 3 days and I still have 3 more episodes loaded waiting to be watched.

Well, I think if I don't want to regret my decision of quiting my job is to get serious and make better use of my time. Even, if I don't do well enough to go into honors(I don't think I will fail the course, then again, I shouldn't even give it any chance), I will feel better because I would dare to say that I have gave it my all.

So, I need to get serious and get things done. At the moment, I can only think of 3 things on my agenda list:

1) Studies - First Class Honors (Keeping my fingers crossed on this one)
2) Fitness - Lose 10kg? Get my strength back?
3) DI - Think of ways to improve the situation (At the moment, I don't even know what situation I am talking about.

Oh...I forgot one more thing...

*) Her - I will need someone to remind me of the above.

Sweet memories. But, probably gone with the wind...

trust

2008-08-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

I place a lot of faith in my trust, but sometimes life just leaves me wondering whether I should continue to place my faith with it.

I am always disappointed by the happenings around me. I try to give benefit of the doubt, but sometimes the truth just stares right at me.

Yet, I don't want to stop believing, otherwise I don't know what else I can have faith in.

What is having faith and what is gullible?
Where is the line?
Trust or Denial?

communicating vs knowing

2008-07-26T01:07:00.002+08:00

Somethings becomes better when communicated.
Somethings are better just knowing.

In our modern age, communication between one another is getting more and more filtered, more and more different. People say many problems can be solved by communicating, but from what I have learned it may not be necessary.

But indeed, sometimes certain things are better left unspoken, because the truth may not always be the best. I just watched Batman and something similar was quoted.

Sometimes even if one knows the truth, they still want to be told.

So, who is to know what should be communicated and whats not?

Its hard to communicate, hard to know at the same time.

Somehow at this point, I realise I have no idea what I am writing about.

What do you want me to say?
I want to know...

Its back

2008-07-20T00:52:00.003+08:00

I don't like the results, yet I seek the process.
I was free from its clutches, till now.
The symptoms are starting to pour in and fall into place.
I am not sure, but I think I should make it go away.
One thing is for sure...
...its back.

a break

2008-07-13T00:37:00.002+08:00

Previously, I was very busy with work, but now its better. But, because of my heavy workload, I was starting to feel very unhappy that I don't have much personal time. So, I decided not to go for Sunday practice for the time being.

But of course, there were other factors leading to this decision and one of which is that my passion is burning out. Certain happenings really question me, why do I even bother doing what I do.

To make things worse, there have to be some spoilers to make life difficult for everyone.

However, despite the whole episode, I am very happy and touched to know that there are people who really care.

I guess sometimes when we are lost, we just need someone to guide us back on track.

Need to let it go

2008-06-22T02:19:00.002+08:00

I hear what I don't wish to hear.
I see what I don't wish to see.
I feel what I don't wish to feel.
Yet, I don't hear, see and feel what I wish.

My heart aches when I hear it.
Every word is but a dagger stabbed to the heart.
My mind shuts when I see it
Every moment is but a void warped in the mind.

I feel sad, my heart freezes.
I feel angry, my heart burns.
I feel disappointed, my heart aches.
I feel lost, my heart is no where to be found.

Life is fragile but shouldn't sad.
I should believe in my passion.
Hoping that this is not my destiny.
I will not let others decide my fate.

I will learn and improve, but not to please you.
I will earn what I deserve and be accomplished.
But, now I need to let it go.

不会爱

2008-06-15T23:05:00.003+08:00

海风微微的吹着月光是多么的柔和
你坐在我的身旁我是多么的快乐

温柔的眼神可爱的酒窝
话虽只是三两句但我无可自拔的爱上你

我爱得很深也爱得很真
但这一切的一切只是一厢情愿
因为你重来都没有爱过我

我付出的那么多又爱得那么深
难道你还没感道我的真诚

我想帮你圆梦我愿借你肩膀
但是未曾有这种机会

到了最后我只能接受
我不会爱

能不能有人来教教我
因为我真的不会爱

Utterly Disappointed

2008-06-12T14:26:00.003+08:00

Look at the time of this entry and you would know that this entry was written during working hours. First of all, I am on leave today and was supposed to be at Nan Hua now giving my leadership workshop. But, due to some unknown reason, the initial 11 ppl that expressed interest on Sun boil down to only 3. I still decided to continue, despite the number of turn-up. But, this morning when I was just about to leave house, I received a call saying that there are only 2 left and that 1 of them has to leave at 10. Naturally, I canceled the whole thing, because its totally no point anymore.

I was already very disappointed that guys are not interested. Now...I really don't know what to say. Furthermore, given the comparison this year with Crescent, it just makes me even more heart broken. I have no idea what happen to Nan Hua. Some people say its because they are not "ripe" yet, but how do you explain about the course last year with the current sec3s and even the current sec2 Crescent. I have already ordered for a "report" for the reason for the utterly poor turn-out.

Haiz...it just goes on to make reconsider again and again whether I should even bother anymore.

On a lighter note, I know some have realized that I have been blogging less. That's because of my exhausting job which just became even more exhausting on last Monday. So, now I come home too tired to think of what to blog about and only want to cherish the valuable time that I have to do what I enjoy more. Maybe I should take some pictures of my office desk when I am working. Its like a tornado just swept through. Lol. With the increased workload, I can't even afford to be listening to the radio where I get most of the my inspirations these days. So, I guess you guys can only expect less works of mine.

Till next time...

right is wrong?

2008-05-29T19:53:00.001+08:00

Did I do something wrong?
Why do I sense hostility?
I feel horrible...

a painful lie

2008-05-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Girl:Dear...I have something I want to tell you.
Guy:What is it?

Girl:I am leaving Singapore.
Guy:Oh...but what for?

Girl:I want to further my studies.
Guy:Ok...when will you be back?

Girl:I don't know.5 years...10 years...who knows?I might even stay there for good.
Guy:Has your parents agreed yet?

Girl:*Sigh*Look...I don't want to beat about the bush. I like people who are more exciting, you are just not exciting enough. Since, people over there are said to be very exciting, I guess you don't need to worry about me.
Guy:But...but, I can change...I can be...

Girl:It's no use...we are just not meant to be together.Goodbye~

Girl turns and leaves.

Years later guy fell in love with another girl and got married soon after that.

One year during Qing Ming Festival...

Guy:Erm...hi...aren't you Girl's mother?I am Guy.
Mother:Oh...Guy...it's been awhile.

Guy notices the picture on the tombstone...it belonged to Girl.

Mother:I guess its about time you no about the truth.
Guy:The truth?!?!

Mother:The truth is Girl didn't go overseas at all, instead she was diagnosed with cancer and had only one month left.
Guy:Cancer...?

Mother:She decided that pain and suffering for one person is enough, so she decided to lie to you. How I wish we could tell you the truth, but Girl forbid it. She was crying everyday, sometimes from pain, sometimes from a broken heart. Even on her last day, tears was all over her face when she past away.

Guy turned to the tombstone.

Guy:Why did you lie to me? You knew I hate people lying to me...

At first, Girl seem to be heartless, but turns out that she is selfless.
Self-sacrifice...how much is it appreciated?Could it be appreciated in time?
Cherish is the word.

beyond control

2008-05-26T23:37:00.002+08:00

Finally, Gentarasa has come to an end. Despite the fact that I wanted it to come to an end badly, I have to agree with one of the Silat guys that after it has ended life will enter a state of emptiness, be it temporary or permanent.

Now, I am just generally left with NDP to clear before I semi-retire from dance.

One after another, come and go.
Wounds would heal, comes the scar.
Pain could hide, scar stays in the light.
Nature answers to nobody, just like how somethings are beyond control.

you are everywhere...

2008-05-16T01:00:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling very restless lately because of the amount of time taken up by silat, but since next Saturday is the performance I shall bare with it for a little more.

Although, I said that I won't be blogging until end of silat, but today finally I found the answer to a question that I was unable to answer.

Well, I only can say that its a very contradicting feeling, but I guess that's life.

It would never be...would it?

Stretched

2008-04-16T23:20:00.002+08:00

Haven't being blogging for a very long time. In fact, some of the previous entries not much content also. Recently, really very busy and tired with all the silat and wushu. Well, its good work out and everything. But, for the silat item, I am really not happy doing this show.

A lot of reasons as to why I am unhappy about it, ranging from taking too much time to sarcastic comments from some people. Of course, there are more reasons, but I prefer not to say.

Now, I am so busy with all these things, I no longer have time for myself. Actually, there are a lot of things that I want to do, but can't do them cause I don't even have time to rest. Haiz...

Online clothes Store

2008-04-09T22:54:00.001+08:00

I am helping a friend advertise this:

http://purplehippocloset.wordpress.com/

So, if you see anything you like just contact her.

Eternal Rose

2008-04-06T16:06:00.002+08:00

Rose loves to receive roses, that's why her husband will buy her a bouquet of roses during every year's Valentine's Day.

Rose's husband passed away one day and Rose fell into depression thinking she will not be receiving roses from his husband anymore.

Surprisingly, the following year's Valentine's Day she continued to receive roses. As always the card would read:

My love for you would grow with every single day. Would you still be my valentine?

Rose wasn't surprised with receiving the bouquet knowing that her husband was someone who always planned ahead.

During the days after Rose lost her husband, she would sit in his favorite chair and recall their fond memories. On the Valentine's Day one year after, Rose's husband passed away, she sit in that same chair as always.

Suddenly, the door bell rang and to her surprise a man from the florist holding a bouquet of roses. She signed over the bouquet, still in disbelief. She slowly walked back to the chair thinking that this must be some sort of joke.

So, she picked up the phone and called the florist.

Florist:Hi Rose, we expected that you would call. The bouquet that was delivered to you is from your husband. He has instructed us to send a bouquet to you every Valentine's Day. He had already paid the money in advance. He also left us a special card, which should he pass away, we will deliver it to you together with the roses.

Rose couldn't control her tears as she put down the phone. She reached for the card that was placed nicely at the heart of the bouquet and sat back into the chair to read it.

It has been one year since I left you, how are you my dear wife? I know how much you love roses that's why I had made such an arrangement with the florist. Let these roses remind you of the happy memories we had together. I hope that at the same time you can move on and not remain in the shadow of my death. The florist will continue to deliver the roses to you every Valentine's Day as long as you answer the door. The florist will come for up to 5 times on the day in case you are not at home. After 5 times, the florist will know that the roses will no longer be required to be delivered anymore.

As that is when we meet again......

老海龟

2008-03-29T23:40:00.001+08:00

Intro you guys quite nice song.

damn she is gd...

2008-03-26T23:24:00.003+08:00

She wrote the lyrics at 12 and added the tune at 14...

自言自语
词/曲:范晓萱
编曲:钱幽兰

天是灰色的
雨是透明的
心是灰色的
我是透明的哈～
爱是盲目的
恋是疯狂的
痴是可悲的
我是绝对的
你是自由的
我是附属的
她是永远的
我是错误的
梦是美好的
你是残酷的
我是灰色的
我是透明的
你是自由的
我是附属的
她是永远的
我是错误的
梦是美好的
你是残酷的
我是灰色的
我是透明的
梦是美好的
你是残酷的
我是灰色的
我是透明的
天是灰色的
雨是透明的
心是灰色的
我是透明的哈～

Just one more try

2008-03-25T22:34:00.002+08:00

This story takes place in a 7-eleven convenient store.

Girl works at a 7-eleven as a cashier. Guy comes comes every night to accompany Girl through the night. The two of them soon became very good friends and would feel uneasy not seeing the other party for 1 day.

One day:

Guy: Will you be my girlfriend?
Girl:Hmm...If only you catch me 100 soft toys from the machine outside.
Guy:That's easy enough. Just give me one night.
Girl:But, you only can catch 1 per day.
Guy:Anything for you.

So, Guy comes every night, changing for coins with Girl first, then proceeds to challenge the machine. Each night after catching the soft toy of the day, Guy gives it to Girl and leaves the store for the day.

On the 99th day:

Guy: Can I catch 2 soft toys today to make it a 100?
Girl: Nope. Its the rule.
Guy: Please! It wouldn't make much difference.
Girl: No. You have to wait.

Guy feeling disappointed proceeds with his routine of catching the soft toy and leaves after passing the prize to Girl.

On the 100th day, Girl goes to work looking forward to receiving the last soft toy. But, she waited and waited Guy didn't come. Girl was worried and thought that something might have happened to Guy, but she realised after knowing Guy for so long she didn't asked for his number or address.

On the 101th day, a lady came running in.

Lady:Are you Girl?
Girl:Yeah...you are?
Lady:I am Guy's mother. I understand that Guy comes here every night to chat with you, its hard to ignore how much he likes you. Guy is now in the hospital and he doesn't have a lot of time left. I hope you can visit Guy with me.
Girl:...ok...I just give me a minute.

At the hospital:

Guy:You finally came...I am...so...happy...

Guy holding his hand out and passed Girl a coin.

Lady:He has been holding that in his hands since he was admitted yesterday.

Girl was too touched to speak.

Lady:Guy! No...

Guy passed away.

Girl then found out that Guy was diagnosed with a chronic disease and had to be admitted on the 100th day of their agreement. Guy knowing that he might not be able to walk out of the hospital ever again, hoped to at least finish what he started with. But, its all too late. If only Girl had allowed Guy to bend the rules a bit, Guy might not have to die with regrets. There's nothing the could have done now.

This story maybe a bit too drama for your liking, but it does tell you that we might not know what will happen tomorrow. If Girl had cherish their relationship more, then maybe she won't have to bear that terrible guilt.

Someones sincerity can be for eternity, but time doesn't stop.

Watch...only those who bothers will understand...

2008-03-24T23:33:00.001+08:00

PBWS->Happy Birthday!.....->PBWS

2008-03-24T23:10:00.002+08:00

In less than another 1hour, I will be 21 years old officially. The party over and done with, now back to life again. I know I should be feeling happy and should have enjoyed my birthday as much as I can, but somehow its just not the case.

I received a lot of messages wishing/hoping that I enjoyed myself. Well, I did but I guess not to the fullest. Seriously, it sucks! I tried very hard to keep things in good lights somehow it just has to collapse at the last minute. It just goes to show how weak the foundation is.

I think I think too much, I always do. I guess how I feel now is how you would feel when you screwed up your own birthday. Then again, its the mentality.

This years birthday has NO feel.

I hate my phone.

PS:As much as I am "emo-ing" here, I still wish to thank everyone for coming and also for the presents and birthday wishes. I could only hope that it was at least fun for the rest of you. At least, I dare say I didn't give up on The Project.

洋葱

2008-03-17T00:07:00.004+08:00

Recently, I have been listening to 933 a lot since I am in office most of the time and started to love this song. At first, I only like it for its melody, but after I read the lyrics I just love the song even more. Furthermore, the song suits the "emo" me just nice at the moment. As a bonus it is written by ah xing from mayday. If you guys want to listen to it, its available on track 17 on my imeem playlist. Enjoy!

歌手：杨宗纬专辑：鸽子

作词/作曲:阿信(五月天)

如果你眼神能够为我
片刻的降临
如果你能听到
心碎的声音
沉默的守护著你
沉默的等奇迹
沉默的让自己
像是空气
大家都吃著聊著笑著
今晚多开心
最角落里的我
笑得多合群
盘底的洋葱像我
永远是调味品
偷偷的看著你
偷偷的隐藏著自己
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会发现你会讶异
你是我最压抑
最深处的秘密
如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸你会流泪
只要你能听到我
看到我的全心全意

听你说你和你的他们
暧昧的空气
我和我的绝望
装得很风趣
我就样一颗洋葱
永远是配角戏
多希望能与你有一秒
专属的剧情

The Project - Finale

2008-03-14T01:04:00.002+08:00

Finally! The Projected has finally been completed! Although, it has been compromised too many times to be remembered in order to complete it, it is finally finished. Personally, I find it very sloppy work, but I hope that people receiving it will still like it. I can't wait!

Job Hurray!

2008-03-06T22:18:00.002+08:00

Finally, I found a job, actually Zhi Yan was the one. Because, he introduced me to a job agency. I am going to start work on monday and the best thing is I am going to work at the same company as Zhi Yan. Lol.

But on the contrary, now that I have found a job means I will have less time and I haven't finish my project.Damn!Hope for the best...

Beautiful dream, ugly awakening

2008-02-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

Just got back from PA after wushu practice for a performance in April. I have to say that all the physical work done tonight was equal or more than a month's worth of exercise that I have been doing for the past months.

This morning I had a very beautiful dream, how I wish it was reality. Oh well... Unfortunately, I was awaken by the noisy lift renovations for the opposite block. I tried to get back into the dream, which I did, but it was interrupted with constant knocking sounds. In the end, I gave in and woke up at 9+.

I have had this sort of dreams for a few times, not going to discuss about the content, although its not real but it does light up my day.Haha...

Anyway, the other day I tried to sell some books to a second hand bookstore. I wanted to sell 4 of them, 2 of them being popular titles, and the uncle actually quoted me $10. $10 for all 4. I was like, "Are you crazy?" So, I decided not to sell them for that miserable $10 which I won't die without or become very much well off. Random but concludes as don't try to sell books to this people, they will probably try to rip you off.

Updates

2008-02-27T22:40:00.002+08:00

I just came home at about 10pm. After, I took my bath, I checked my emails and stuff and stone in front of the laptop till now. I don't know why I just don't feel like doing anything and its a bit early to sleep considering the time that I actually wake up. Its as if I am waiting for something to happen. But anyway, finally I decided to do a mass blog update since I haven't been updating, after I finished fiddling with the lightscribe program on my laptop.

Anyway for those who doesn't know what does lightscribe mean, it is a technology for CD-drives to be able to burn cover "stickers". I am not very sure about it also, but I think other than the CD, you need the "sticker" for the drive to have a surface to burn onto.

Anyway, just to briefly summarise about my job interview. It was not what I expected from the description given to me and turned out to be MLM, which made me quite unhappy due to the fact that I was "conned" and more importantly I wasted about 3-4h of my time. So, of course, I turned down the job, if you can call it a job.

We watched Juno last weekend. It was quite entertaining, I recommend to people who need something light to brighten their day. But, one thing about the movie is that, you need to understand the jokes to be able to appreciate the movie.

I had my driving test yesterday and I failed. Although, I got 32points, I won't say I failed badly. Because 10 was from hitting down the pole at parallel parking when I was coming OUT, when I was reversing. I was really careless about that one and shouldn't be a mistake that I would have made. And another 8 from causing a car to slow down AND overtake me when I did a left turn from minor to major. Well, for this one I was thinking that the car was really far and I can manage to complete the turn. But, I didn't know that he was traveling at such high speed(according to the instructor). Anyway, without this two, I would have passed with a decent 14 points which I think everyone would agree. The only thing that I am really annoyed with failing is that I have to go back to BBDC again, which for some reason I hate going. Partly maybe because it is freaking expensive to learn with the school.

Recently, don't feel like blogging, thats why there is a lack in updates. Although, I resoluted to blog daily, still I don't think it is pretty much do-able. Not unless I am really going to turn my blog into a today blog, which I would rather not have a blog to begin with. For some reason, I feel that I am losing my faith for blogging. I wonder why...

Interview

2008-02-20T00:32:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow, I am scheduled for an interview at Eunos. Although, I was the one who said that the distance is not the concern, the thought that I might also have a job offer at Clementi gives me a headache.

Well, all I can do is to just go for the interview and see how it goes. If I am destined to work at Eunos, then so be it. But, on a brighter note, over the phone the Eunos job sounds very attractive in terms of pay and the scope. But, I guess I will only really know tomorrow.

On a side note, I finally managed to reorganise my music files, took me a while though.

Haiz...I still haven't start with The Project although I had already finished my Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Borings

2008-02-18T16:32:00.002+08:00

Finally, I finished reading The Lord of the Rings after buying the book for 4years. It is indeed very boring and dry book. But, I definitely got a very big satisfaction from it. I guess the book will stay on my shelf to rate for the rest of eternity.Haha...

Tiong Bahru blackout

2008-02-17T21:58:00.002+08:00

I went to Tiong Bahru Plaza just now with my family to watch CJ7 with my family. The whole complex actually went blackout! So, the movie went out halfway and the emergency lights came on. The power supply only came back on after about 30minutes.

Then, we were allowed to continue with the movie and at the end of it we were given a complimentary ticket each, with NO expiry date. Ain't that cool?

Anyway, I find the movie average, as the plot has very little development. The only thing that gives it a plus is the cuteness of CJ7.

The year has started out good, hope it will continue to roll on.

Chingay finally ending

2008-02-14T17:02:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, practice ended at 1115pm. It was super late as a lot of time is wasted waiting. We were asked to gather at 730pm but it only started at 800pm and we had to wait somemore as the China dancers were not familiar with the stage area. Then, when we are finally done we had to go to City Hall to practice on the stage. But, turns out that we have to wait for the China dancers again as they left PA late.

Once again, the whole unhappy episode was caused by poor management and time planning.

My favourite ice cream

2008-02-12T19:47:00.000+08:00

Finally,got to eat it after craving so long. Because it is rarely sold now. I only know 3 places which still sells it.

How rude!

2008-02-12T00:41:00.000+08:00

Today, was on the bus, when I saw a man who was chasing after my bus yet about 10-20m away from the departing bus, made a very vulgar gesture at the bus driver. That gesture, although often seen, disgusted me as the man surely wasn't using it as a form of joke. Furthermore, if someone was to be blamed for the fact that he didn't get on the bus, it should be him.

What's wrong with this kind of people? He just has to wait for another bus. If he was running late, then why don't he go to the bus stop early. If its something urgent, then take a cab. I don't think money should be saved in times of need. Seriously, I think either he has an issue with being punctual or just not patient.

Seriously, Singaporeans in general lack punctuality and patience. Just take the example of wedding dinners, surely there will be people who are late. As for those who are punctual for once might choose to be late the next, as they can't stand waiting for others who are late. This is just an egg and chicken situation. Although, its better to have punctuality and patience, it is not going to happen. Not at least in Singapore...not at least in the near future...

Over promising

2008-02-10T02:13:00.000+08:00

I just tried this game,Call of Duty4, both single and multi player. For single player, so far almost everything has impressed me. The graphics, game play, story and other stuff. As for the multi player, either I haven't finish exploring the whole game or there is too little job class to choose from. This results in lack of variety. If it could input some more elements of Wolfenstein:Enemy Territory, it would be better. At the moment, I am just getting thrashed online.

Anyway, pardon me for the lack of content in my entries, because I realised I have more and more things that I want to accomplish but are time consuming even after considering that I am not really working.

That also reminds me that I also realised that I tend to over promise. This bad habit has to go, if not its only going to make life difficult for people.

Ah Long Pte Ltd

2008-02-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today, went to watch this movie and true enough, like the ratings, the movie was very disappointing despite Jack Neo's previous better productions. It's definitely justifiable why its only rated 1/2 star.

Childhood friends

2008-02-07T20:09:00.000+08:00

Today, met up officially with my childhood friends after about 9 years. We played Game of Life and Big 2. Although, it was a short meet up, it was still fun.=)

Game of Life!!!
eliza:hmm...let's see...

Shi Shi(same age as me; once my primary school classmate):what are you looking at?

My Brother:My turn!

Happy Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

I want to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year. All the best in the coming year. Huat ar!

Erp Drift

2008-02-05T11:15:00.000+08:00

http://www.mrbrownshow.com/2008/02/04/the-mrbrown-show-2-many-2-count-erp-drift/

I strongly recommend you people to listen to this Mr Brown podcast. Its super funny. Enjoy.

Disappointed

2008-02-04T20:47:00.000+08:00

Today, nothing eventful happened. I went to SIM to apply for my psychology course and Mayflower to help Connie(though didn't do much).

Today, I saw something that disappointed me. Although, it is none of my business, somehow it still got to me.

I am so weak.