zzz

wa lao...i feelin super f up now...sianz ar...nth is goin rite lor...i realli duno wat to say...i sumtimes realli wonder if the super beings lik to watch mi suffer...watch mi in pain n agony...i realli feel lik lettin everything out now...i feel so stuffed up...realli realli bottled up...i wan to find sumone to turn to...but nobody is ever dere...wao lao i dun even no wat i m doin n wat i shld do...

sumtimes i realli doubt myself...do i realli hav the capability to go on lik dis...honestly...i recieve more complains abt others life den mi complainin abt my own life...i guess sad enuff its as muc as my blog entries...nth more...zzz

sumtimes i realli dun understand how ppl tink one leh...i mean lik y dun ppl get wat u mean...even after lik 1 million times of naggin...lik omg la...dis is so tirin...i realli wan to collaspe le...

sumtimes i tink all my probs come from all dis stress tt collect over time lor...my STM n my tendcy of fallin aslp in almost any place...duno la...i realli need a break from reality man...but i dun wan to face up to the fact tt it is impossible...

i feel as if i m fightin alone...sum of the things i face alone...sum even if got others ard still will hav the alone in the crowd feelin...my life force is weakenin...nowadays i no longer hav the drive to face my life...i dun understand y noone can understand wat i m tokin abt...let alone wat i m goin thru...m i tt complicated tt i cant b understood...

everyone hav limited amt time...tt includes mi...but seriously i sumtimes hav to literally rot my time away so tt i numb myself...i always wan to try to do as muc as i can wit my time...but izzit worth it...

after writin so long liao...i dun even no wat else is dere to write...i realli still got a lot a lot to say...but i nv hav the heart to say it all out...coz i scared i will b being selfish n wan to hog all the attention to myself...by keep tokin abt my stuff...so i nv realli complete wat i wan to say...i realli juz wan to spit it all out...but can i do it...CAN I? zzz...dis is ptless...nth ever works...

i realli muz being a hell of a sinner in my previous life...now i guess its time for mi to suffer the torture of dis lifetime...

the more i crap the more i duno wat else to do for myself...all i ever no is others...it was nv abt myself in the first place...i guess i juz hav too little self worth for myself...zzz...o well...i dun wan to write le la...the more i write...the more lost i feel...but watever it is la...ppl readin...tt is if u r still readin...juz ignore all dis la...i mean lik...to mi i m brainwashed everyday...so by the time i blog again...i wld hav forgotten wat i blog the last time...n i will juz cock the same shit over again...o well i guess my life was destined to b lik tt...fate was nv fair...
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24hrRu!
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i was chattin wit ppl...ok consolin is more the word...but watever...so i was browsin the net in btwn the replies...den i saw her photos...new uploaded ones...yeah she looked darn chio n all...but i duno y...weird enuff...i got all blue...zzz...wich is y i was tinkin abt how f up my life is...n mayb the birth of dis entry came abt...

i m no longer sure shld i continue to try to win her heart...in the past i always stick to my beliefs...my philosophy...i dun care wat others tink or wat others say...i always wan to stay true to my heart...but now...i m so staggered by everything tt is goin on btwn us...i m no longer sure not coz i hav started losin interest in her...in fact i m sinkin deeper...but the prob is i dun tink tt i m the rite match for her...lookin at the cases ard mi...i realli feel tt mayb she deserve sumone better...mayb sumone hu wld provide better care n concern...n mayb more handsome n tall den mi...

true love tells mi to stay strong...my sixth sense tells mi tt i m buggin her...holdin her back...my personality tells mi to b stubborn...n stay put...but my brains tells mi tt she is tired of mi...hey come on la...hu m i kiddin la...it is so obvious tt things r nv goin to work out...mircales nv happen...at least not to mi...although for once i tot i didnt make the wrong choice to stay alive...but i guess i m wrong again...

sumtimes i realli hate my sixth sense...always tellin mi things tt i dun wish to no...i oso hate my brains for deductin things wit logic n psychology...resultin in unwanted stress...wish i cld juz throw dem away...haiz...being innocent n simple is always the best...but i guess tt will nv b mi...

i realli wan to b the one...but reality has checked in again...the lite is extinguishin...the next wld the life...

msg of the day:pls insert credits...

dance camp/tots

erm...tt day i ended the entries rather in a hurry...today wun le...coz i not goin to play after dis...anyway to jun cheng rite...erm i no hu r the ones readin la...the usual ones i will no one...even if u dun tag i oso will no...but seriously if u r dose hu follow mi to blogger from my open diary u will understand better wat i mean...den to mt...actually i dun realli understand ur tag...mayb u wan to elaborate a bit...n oso y u nv go dance camp ar ...bluff mi...cheat mi onli...

anyway back to the camp...erm...basically i feel tt the flow of the whole camp was rather smooth...except for the ORD...erm...seriously i duno wat to say...all tt i shld say i oredi told yi hang today...i was realli veri sad abt it...not onli tt it was not done properly...but oso coz dis is my dear 89 batch leh...of course i hope dey grad wit a ORD dey deserve...i no when i sort of take over the ORD i oso didnt do a veri gd job...tts y i oso veri sad...now i m lik tinkin if i shld hav a backup plan to support the sec 3 wit deir plans...

i realli duno la... izzit mi or my i losin my skills to impromto...mayb i shld revise my style in nhds...n try to let wei hong n the rest do more of the upfront work...i will juz do the tinkin...i duno la...veri disoriented wit everything...argh...when u tot tt studies is everything...now no more studies i dun even no wat else i can b stressed abt...life is so complicatin for mi sia...goin to break pt...
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24hrRu!
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i dun lik things to b ambigious...tts y i always ask a lot of things...so tt everything i need to no is well defined...but life juz hav to b so interestin...in a way tt not everything we can no n can ask one...at dis kind of situations i m always at a lost...den i will always go for impromto n dun tink too muc...but it doesnt work everytime...in fact it hardly works well...i duno...i realli hope things falls into place nicely in the way in wish dem to b...but at least i dun lik the hangin feelin...i no dis para here veri vague abt the msg i m tryin to put across...but sumtimes dere is realli reason for y dey r left so vagued...contradictin para rite ?

msg of the day:forcin doesnt giv happiness,but will nature giv?

clash of the titans...

well...bascially i had a stressful day at dance today...ppl hu were dere today shld no wat happened la...haiz... i hav to say my headaches is back again...y huh...everytime i stressed up i get headache...i wonder if its a curse...haha...jk la...i dun tink so myself...

but realli...i was in a dilema today...duno wat to do...stuck...n in the end of the whole clash i found myself left alone again...suan le...i used to it...sumtimes its realli lik tt lor...no matter how mani ppl r fightin by urside...dere r always times u feel tt u r alone...coz its seriously dam hard to hav same passion for mani ppl at once...its rather sad lor...but o well...i dun wan to tok too muc abt it le la...

i duno izzit bcoz ppl dun tag or wat...i feel tt less ppl readin dis blog now...at least compared to my open diary...sumtimes i feel lik switchin into a private blog...den can write more crap...dun need to care...duno la...tt one still got time to tink...
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24hrRu!
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today my discman spoilt...dam...my bus ride companion...zzz...sianz lor...i tink i might wan to get one soon...if not dere goes my rottin on buses...

juz now i replaced my companion wit radio on phone...den manage to catch ying yue re ji...omg... another lame yet sad love story...sianz...was tinkin of her again...sumtimes i no reality is painful...but i realli cant help feelin pessimistic abt our relationship...i duno how to put it in better words...i tink u guys shld no how i feel...zzz...

anyway dis entry was typed rather in a hurry...so i guess its a bit brief...mayb i will elaborate next time....

msg of the day:不能给你未来，我还你现在

failure

today is suppose to b a happi day...since tml is the last day of A lvl...n i goin out on sat...but things took a big turn...haiz...

i initially still wanted to come home n prac sum chem...now i tink i wun hav any mood le...duno la...its still early to decide...

u might ask wat thing so power one...well wat else m i being so concerned abt...of course its abt dance...not tryin to blame anyone for my sadness...but today zhongyi commented on the kids again...although the topic is abt the same...but still dere always bound to b sth tt is new but bad...i duno wats wrong la...mayb coz i took too long a break from everything...now the things pile up liao veri hard to handle le...

i not sayin tt i m the best all watever...n oso not sayin tt onli i can or hav the ability to solve dis kind of human relations prob...but seriously its veri hard to find sumone hu can work hand in hand wit mi...dis few days go b is not for no purpose...especially today...i m tryin to immerse myself in the atmosphere...tryin to bring the feel b...but i find it veri tirin now...i seriously feel tt i cant keep my job goin on onli on my own...its too tiring...n time will reduce my influence over the ppl from the diff cohort...

sumtimes i duno whether if i m gettin too personal wit the kids a not...to the extent tt i find it hard to make my decisions clear n sharp...tts y i still feel i need a partner...sumone to keep remindin mi to keep myself b4 the line...i tot i hav found a few suitable candidates...but den it might not b the case as i tink...haiz...wat shld i do...
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24hrRu!
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anyway juz another reminder to ppl readin...i m not tryin to make of u feel guilty for not being able to help or wat u feel la...coz it is not intentional one...so do forgive mi...but i realli need to let it out...i need to remind myself how i feel...n wat i tink...n more...mayb tts the sole purpose i write entries ba...

but seriously lookin b in dis past few mths...i hav rather being a failure...a loser...juz look at my A lvls...i dream of NUS but i m not fightin veri hard...juz cant find the str...although i cant say tt i confirm i cant get into a NUS or NTU...but den the chance is sth tt i dare not calculate...

den dance lik tt...yes its not my fault...even if it was it wld nv b entirely...but still i realli hav to brand myself as a failure lor...i cant even take care of the kids closer to mi liao...let alone dose i hardly speak to...i no i m not god...but i do ask a lot from myself as an individual...so at times i can get too demandin on myself...n dis is the result everytime...depression...

i no longer no wats the will tt is drivin mi from inside...i feel as if i m a robot...movin unconsiously...mayb its a gd thing since at least i m still movin...but izzit goin to last...n even more imptly...izzit goin to work...i duno the ans...n dun feel lik answerin dem now anyway...

msg of the day:failure nv comes till u giv up...

juz to clear the atmosphere of anxiety

abt the previous entry...i tink can ignore le...coz the thing is solved...surprisinly veri smooth...haha...didnt expect to b as smooth...o well...10z to my gd friend...zhenyu...wootz...haha...

but bad news...he goin to bk in on 2 dec...omg...den wat abt the chalet...omg...zzz...aiya...well c how lor...

tts it for today...nth muc to blog today la...
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24hrRu!
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juz one comment...i wori for nhds...i duno wat happen...n worse is i m out of juice on wat i cld do...haiz...guess i shld take things at a time...i guess it will b serious tinkin after my A lvls...

anyway i m tinkin of a "tinkin" session by the seaside sumtime after A lvl...hu wans to join mi in a peaceful day by the seaside n enjoy the sea breeze?

msg of the day:things r juz so unpredictable,u nv no wat will happen next...

o screwed...

omg...i screwed myself up big time...haiz...y did i get so hasty...summore is 2 times in a row...in a day...i feel veri fucked up now...dun realli hav the mood to study...but still hav to study...coz didnt realli complete wat i wan to complete...tsk tsk tsk...haiz...

i duno wat to do to save myself...now no matter wat thing i do to clear up dis mess...i will hav to forgive sth...haiz...its such a sucky position...haiz...i realli duno wat to do...summore i cant seek help from others...n seriously i dun wan to unless i realli hav to...argh...haiz...

all i can blame is my hastiness...
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24hrRu!
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sumtimes i feel veri blessed wit all the things i hav been given...n oso my "power" to hu feng huan yu...when i need sth...i will hav the method to get it...if i need help...help will b dere...

but not dis time rd...actually i no where to seek help...but its juz not rite la...i m realli in a dilema now...i m sure if u no how i feel now...u will oso b stretched to make a decision...

i realli wan to ask myself...m i doin the rite thing? haiz...

msg of the day:to feel disappointed or to feel sorry...

in the midst of the tension

i m always amazed wit the lvl of relacness i can keep even in the midst of such tension...but yet i can b dam anxious wit things tt shldnt b of my concern in the first place...

well one simple exam is dis few nitez...coz dis few nitez i cant realli slp well...but its not bcoz of exams...stunin rite...lol...surprisinly i keep tinkin abt my song n guitar...well...i haven get my guitar yet though...but i will get it soon...late next week but definitely by the end of the mth...i duno if i m being too ambious wit the guitar thingy a not...coz wat i hav in mine is to compose a tune for my song on my own...but hey...i m juz goin for a simple ez tune...but its not goin to b ez...since i m an instrument idiot...i mean i had nv being gd wit music instruments...so i hav to start from scratch wit the tunes...

another eg is nan hua...i mean strictly speakin watever happens to nan hua has nth to do wit mi...not at least directly...so strictly speakin i shldnt b gettin all worried over the kids...but dis is the part where we make a choice in life again...goin back is not bcoz it has anything to do wit mi...to mi i feel tt its a kind of responsibility i wld lik to take up...not bcoz of anything...onli bcoz i choose to...responsiblity of a senior(tt once again is not an obligation but a choice)...responsibility of a friend...responsibility of a student/disciple...the list juz goes on...coz all dis things is the things tt made u decide on wat u hav decided...n the reasons can b totally diff for ppl decidin on doin the same thing...

ok la...i tink i dun wan to continue on tt...i tink its gettin veri confusin...nvm...i will juz summarise...wat we do in life is all a choice...u mayb facin great stress...but its ur choice to stay true n happi...
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24hrRu!
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i hav been talkin dis "song" for a while now...for ppl interested to take a look at it(look coz the tune is not done yet...actually the lyrics needs fine tuning too...)i onli can say...u all hav to wait lor...but den again hor...i duno whether i shld post it...coz its composed for sumone special...now onli the 2 of us hav the lyrics to the song...sum of the SHIN guys hu hav saw it b4 surely hav forgotten how its lik by now...so ya lor...we will c how ba...its up to my choice...haha...but if u realli realli wan to take look den...talk to mi again ba...(not say its a master piece tt can compare to jay or hu ever la...but dere r still ppl hu might wan to take a look one...out of curiousity? haha...)

msg of the day:dun let fate decide for u...let choice b ur light....

chong dong

well...today is the usual sunday post...although i dun always post on sundays...but a lot of the recent entries r written on sundays...well...juz finish watchin 2002...well although its sort of an action film...it nv failed to add a bit of romance to it...well...i duno wat to say...i always get dis dampenin feelin everytime i watch romance...new age sensitive man? haha...duno...mayb...

anyways now typin in the dark...coz the bulb spoil...so cant study...i mean i cant study in dis rm...n any of the other rms since my mother n bro is slpin oredi...den livin rm my father watchin tv...kitchen leh...erm...its weird la...nvm la...i goin to slp early n wake up early to study...mayb after dis entry ba...as long as dere is nth left to do tt is...

well... juz now while typin dis...she sms mi...its a gd luck sms for my exams...i oso sms back to wish her gd luck n all dose la...well i do get sms from her from time to time...hav short chats durin her breaks...seriously...i haven realli said anything abt her in my blog b4...i dun even no if she got visit a not...but anyways...i always hold the stand tt i write i wan on my blog...n ppl hu reads it r close friends...so i dun realli mind...so if U r readin...i hope u dun mind...anyway...if u haven being readin n happen to come across dis...i nv reveal ur identity here b4...so ppl readin wun no...

anyways kind of missed her...o hu m i kiddin...kind of...haha...although i do catch a glimpse of her sumtimes when i go b to sch...but i onli dare to watch from far...nv dared to approach...aiya...its always lik tt one la...its lik either way i will lose her...does it realli mean we will stay the way we r forever...mayb it was juz fated to b dis way...

its such a joke man...dere is so muc things in dis world tt r totally unreasonable...yet i can accept dem...but i juz cant accept dis kind of things...ppl always say u juz haven meet ur rite one...i oso always say tt to ppl...but...y izzit nv the rite one...

yesterday nite...for the past week...i hav been tinkin abt the song tt i wrote for her...n i felt a rush to finish edittin the song dere n den...but o well...it cant b done...coz i m tied down by A lvl...n i oso haven get my guitar...but i oredi decided...i will get it ASAP...well i m pretty determine to do sum stuff after my A lvl...i dun wan to lose dis chance to do wat i realli wan...i dun wan to regret...i can regret abt anything but dis...U stand a veri impt position in my life...no matter wat is the outcome betw us...

i wan to take dis chance to thank u...b4 i fall into dispair again...if i ever do again...realli...coz u realli meant a lot to mi...i haven realli tell a lot ppl abt y i lik u...but after tt day i straighten things out wit my mother n bro...i feel the more tt i need to let u no dis...u realli hav been the most carin person i hav ever meet...u hav shown concern to mi den anyone hav ever did...u might ask wat abt my mother...yes i no she cares for mi...but o well...i m odd...i lik to c n hear it...but not juz no it...

u were able to relief mi from the loniness down in mi...care n concern has nv being anything lik dis...it is realli as if u r the angel sent to bring mi lite...n for once in my life...i felt realli motivated to do sth tt is rite...although tt motivation didnt last long due to uther disappointment...but realli it is oredi so muc so muc tt u hav done for mi...n takin into consideration the amt of time tt we realli took to no each other...its realli a miracle...a miracle i say...so doesnt tt giv mi enuff reason to say I Love U...if no...i cld support myself wit more evidence...but wats the pt...
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24hrRu!
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i realli hate it when ppl walk into my life n wants to exit the moment dey step in...i mean wats wrong wit mi tt u hav to do dis...did i do anything wrong to deserve dis at all...y muz it b lik tt...i m a person hu holds any kind of relationship dearly...so pls dun play ard wit my feelins...i no dis may sound gay or sissy or watever la...but i m ezly hurt...

in the past when i m hurt...i cld juz relieve myself by tearin...but it seems tt my tear glands hav stop functionin ever since duno when...emotions can onli b traped deep within...

argh...wat the crap...i duno y i m bloggin dis entry in the first place...

msg of the day:reality is always the last place i wan to b...