Say goodbye/Splitza Special

It has been a long time since I did an entry. I missed so many traditional entries that I used to do. Maybe I am busy, tired or had no inspiration. But, deep down I know the real reason is cause I was avoiding it. There are many times that I feel that I have to stop relying on my blog to vent my emotions and just be stronger. To endure things that came my way. I guess I can't do it. No matter what, I can't do without my sanctuary. At least not until then...

Many things happened since the last entry. I last a place I enjoyed hanging out, a place that I could really relax. It was where I sought refuge other than here. Now, its gone and I probably won't be able to find the same place, same feeling. I also lost a friend. Maybe I should be more sad than I am, but seem to have got so numb with emotions, I really hate myself for that.

I still can't seem to get it right dealing with relationships. Always seem like the things I do is wrong. I don't hope for much, I just wish to have a lasting friendship. Yet, I can't seem to keep it. Humans are such complicated creatures and I am so stupid. 

Some Goodbyes can't be helped, some can be avoided if one wished. I longed for 2011 to be over and for 2012 to begin. But, now I feel that it came too fast. Time is running out and I don't wish to face it. 

I am not good with Goodbyes. I have being able to dodge some. I always wished that I could cry when I really wish to, but I don't want to have to when I don't wish to.

If only...

~~~~~

M by Princess Princess (1988)

Itsumo issho ni itakatta

tonari de warattetakatta

kisetsu wa mata kawaru no ni

kokoro dake tachidomatta mama

Anata no inai migigawa ni

sukoshi wa nareta tsumori de ita no ni

doushite konna ni namida ga deru no

mou kanawanai omoinara

anata wo wasureru yuuki dake

Hoshii yo imademo oboete iru

anata no kotoba

kata no mukou ni mieta keshiki saemo

So once again 

Hoshi ga mori he kaeru you ni

shizen ni kiete chiisana shigusa mo

hasshaida ano toki no watashi mo

Itsumo issho ni itakatta

tonari de warattetakatta

kisetsu wa mata kawaru no ni

kokoro dake tachidomatta mama

Deatta aki no shashin ni wa

hanikan da egao tada ureshikute

konna hi ga kuru to omowanakatta

Ah mabataki mo shinai de

anata wo mune ni yakitsuketeta

Koishikute anata no koe kikitakute

kesenai Adoresu

M no peeji wo yubi de tadotteru dake

So once again 

yume mite me ga sameta

kuroi jaketto ushiro sugata ga

dareka to mienakute natteiku

So once again 

hoshi ga mori he kaeru youni

shizen ni kiete chiisana shigusa mo

itsumademo anata shika mienai 

watashi mo

I wanted to be with you always

I wanted to be smiling beside you

Even though the season is changing again

My heart has stopped in place

I thought I was starting to get used to

Not having you beside me on my right

So then why am I crying so many tears?

If my love won’t come true

Then I just want the courage to forget about you

You are only in my fantasy

Even now, I remember your words

And the scenery I saw beyond your shoulders, so once again

Leavin’ for the place without your love

Like stars returning to the forest

Your little nuances spontaneously disappear

Along with the playful person I once was

I wanted to be with you always

I wanted to be smiling beside you

Even though the season is changing again

My heart has stopped in place

The photo of when we met that fall

Shows a bashful smile, it just fills me with joy

I never thought a day like this would come

Without blinking

I burn an image of you in my heart, my love

You are only in my fantasy

I want to hear your voice

But all I’m doing is tracing the address I can’t erase

On the page with the letter M, so once again

Leavin’ for the place without your love

I awaken from a dream

Someone in a black jacket with their back turned

I’m not able to make out who it is anymore, so once again

You are only in my fantasy

Like stars returning to the forest

Your little nuances spontaneously disappear

Along with me, who only had eyes for you

~~~~~

I long to see you, Shiori.

But, I know I have to say goodbye.

I try very hard, but I can never seem to do it.

Whenever I hear the sound of a piano, I begin to cry.

Why did you have to go?

Why didn't you take me with you?

Not looking

Do you find yourself doing this at horror movies?

Scare?

Then, why watch?

We often find ourselves doing the same in life.

Afraid, yet curious.

Or maybe we don't have a choice but to watch.

I find it difficult to face the situation.

The things that you never did

It's amazing how we find ourselves doing things that we usually don't. Maybe for me, it was a break from routine? I find myself browsing NHDS blog, sending message to a junior about it and just awhile ago I was reading my own entries.

Sometimes it is nice to look back at what happen and realize how differently you think from that time. During the browsing, I was reminded of my one wish for the year and sadly it reminded me of something that happened the other day, just last week. Looks like another unfulfilled wish.

Being forced to face the truth is cruel, that's why sometimes I think ignorance is a bliss. But, I guess reality is better for me. It is probably time to get things together.

It's hard to understand or explain what is the matter. Emo-bu probably knows better.
~~~

Yes, but.
No, but.
There is always a but because there is something else to it.
But, there isn't.

Living in the past

Watching sweet romantic comedy has always been a double edge sword for me. I like watching them but they leaves me emo. As a result, sometimes I turn to Splitza to displace that feeling. But, it is getting harder and harder to continue the story.

Constantly I have been reminded, directly and indirectly, of how I am still living in the past. I don't really know which past it is, not that it matters. The truth is that I haven't moved forward, since I don't know when.

It's kind of depressing to start the morning with these sort of thoughts. But, the thought of the possible endings, together with the nervous from releasing of the results, makes it almost inevitable.

Seeking refuge in music, in YUI, is not going to work forever. Furthermore, it changes the mood, nothing changed nor solved. I need a solution.

The people you meet

Exams are finally over, but now I am busy with work. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have much other things to do anyway. So, better than letting my time go to waste. Now that my 3 years with uniSIM is done, I shall wait for the results and see if I will do my fourth year. But, done to objective and development setting at work, I reviewed my decision I set out 2 years ago when I joined Elsevier.

I must admit along the way things have change(If they didn't, something must be wrong.) and it's not like I didn't expect it. So, basically the situation now is open-ended. But, I still want to do what I set out to do, question is where and when. But, I guess I want to take a break and wait for my results first.

U.N.I 2011 is just next week and I made it a point that I take part in at least one item(excluding guest starring in Zhongyi's item). I guess my reason was that I wish to perform once more. Furthermore, I don't think I will be performing again after this.

In any case, if life was to stay status quo now, I would have no complains. Although, not the best, good enough.

~~~~~

Today, I was thinking about the idea of fate, about the people you meet in life. Everyone that you meet in your life has a role to play in your life or at least that is the ideology that I subscribe to. Yes, even those that pisses you off. They are in your life to piss you off, but I am sure it happened for a reason. Maybe they are there to piss you off now, so that you don't get pissed off in another similar occasion which might have a detrimental impact if you do. Or maybe it's so that you don't piss others off the same way. I wish to see it as a learning experience.

But, of course, we don't see things that way every single time and we miss out the role of some people that we crossed path with. At times, I try to remind myself of this and somehow it provides a new perspective to how I see someone. At the same time, I found that when I actively do that, I avoid pitfalls in thinking that I learn in psychology.

So, from time to time, it is good to think about people whom you have crossed path with. At least, those that have contributed to growth of you, contributed to the you in the mirror today.

How much do you understand?

Everytime I thought that I got it, but I realised shortly that I don't. No matter the number of times I thought I got it, I never did.

Recently, there has been multiple dashes of spices into my life. Meeting new people, going through feelings so new yet so familiar. I though that yet another chapter has began. Until someone goes questioning me, "Aren't you still on the first page?" I would normally say something not concrete and it hits me right home that the person was right. I never left.

I realised I always try to mask the fact or try to deny the fact. I don't really know why I do that. To protect myself? Or trying to skip ahead?

I probably have the answers be it technical or emotional, but Id seems want to keep it this way.

~~~~~

Why did you tell me that?

Was there some hidden message?

Are you hinting me?

Making yourself feel better?

Or maybe just trying to make me feel better?

What if, and only what if, its mutual?

Happy Birthday to me!

One more year has gone by and now I am 24. I think this is becoming a tradition for me to blog my thoughts on my birthday(although sometimes I don't do it on the day itself). Year 23 was rather smooth and was able to finally get my promotion just before my birthday. To some it may be a small promotion, but a promotion is a promotion and I am glad my efforts are being recognized. Work has really been fun and enjoyable and like some of guys say, "This is how some gets sucks in." I do admit that there is a possibility of that happening, but I shall make it a point to venture out.

Yesterday, one of colleagues from another department asked her boss(whom I am on rather good terms with), "Is Sam leaving? He seems rather unhappy recently." Do I? I don't think I have said anything to that colleague that might have suggested that. But, it did get me wondering was it written on my face? I do admit that these two weeks haven't been very good in fact was rather lousy and I am still recovering from it. But, I didn't think it was to the extent that it was observable. The only reason I can think of is that patience wears out faster these two weeks.

Somehow, it seems that every year I will experience a downhill just before my birthday. But, like one of my trainers said, "Lower your expectations and you will feel better." True enough, I seem to lower my expectation for some stuff, though it wasn't enough for me to avoid being quick tempered.

At age 24, I have not quite achieve some of the things that I hope to achieve, but I guess there is still time. Ok, the entry is getting rather heavy, I shall try to end with something lighter.

Now the time is 6.12am and I am sitting outside of the gate to the plane due for KL. My wish for this year is to be able to meet her again and maybe be able to forge something meaningful out of our fate.

~~~~~~

In this world with population of 6.9 billion, the probability of meeting someone is very low, let alone to having a meaningful relationship.

Take time to slow down your pace and think about if there is anyone in your life that you are neglecting.

Don't let chance pass you by because you hesitated or procrastinated.

You may only have that one chance.

Or if you are given multiple chances, the more you should take action.