Have you been touched?

Not long ago, someone asked me, "So, what's your motivation?"

I thought that was easy. For a very long time, I have always wanted to help people in the ways I am good at. That was why, I joined CDC where I learned first-aid. I also decided to embark on my journey to get my Degree in Psychology.

I must say from time to time I would complain to myself for not studying harder for my A levels and hence landing me in the current predicament. But, I guess I learned a lot taking this other route. Studying at uniSIM is not exactly fun as university should be, which is why I call the current situation a predicament. But, because of uniSIM I am able to work and support myself. So, I guess despite the difference from my ideal, I am on a different but right track.

After getting the degree, I would love to become a school counsellor and devote my time in helping students who are caught in some shit. I always believe that whatever that happens to us when we are young is going to have a big impact on our lives. Although, my teaching says that it is not necessary and that in the later parts of our lives the impact might get corrected and we will be fine. But, why take those chances?

Some people may have a bright future but end up destroying that light due to some mistake they make or even mistakes that others make. Worst of all, is that they can't seem to find help. Thats where I hope to come in.

Its funny that I have such ambition. Ideally, I would sound like a great Samitarian. But, I don't think I am. Nonetheless, the inspiration of people who tried to make a difference in my life has brought me thus far. So, this is not where the train stops.

However, its sad to say that over the years which I spent trying to make a difference in other people's lives, it always seems that I didn't succeed. Everything I devote time and effort to make that difference, whether big or small, I hope that somehow I have touched them. But, everytime when I thought I did, I realised I overestimate my significance. Its not that I help to be acknowledged, but it definitely motivates me to be acknowledged.

But, I guess it can't be blamed. Humans are by nature weird creatures. I guess the way people think is getting more and more unpredictable with the advancement of technology and the use of internet. It always intrigues me that people who don't msn, sms or call each other, in other words distant, can seem so close and "in contact". The same goes to the fact that when people seemed excited and happy to see friends on the streets, despite the fact that they actually "see" each other online everyday. The only difference is that they don't talk online. I am sure all this has theories that can explain them in ways that I would agree. But, till then, it will remain a mystery.

So, what's my motivation? To help people? To touched people? To be acknowledge by people?

You are smiling at me.
That makes me happy.
Oh...that was just a picture of you.

I hear a beep.
That makes me excited.
Oh...you only wanted directions.

I feel stupid and childish.
Its all unnecessary, unrequited.
The pain won't go away.
It is taking just too long.
The 100 days countdown just keeps reseting.
I lack determination.
Either of us has to go.
But, I know its not fair for you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
So...I guess its all clear.
Please wash it away.