Not looking

Do you find yourself doing this at horror movies?

Scare?

Then, why watch?

We often find ourselves doing the same in life.

Afraid, yet curious.

Or maybe we don't have a choice but to watch.

I find it difficult to face the situation.

The things that you never did

It's amazing how we find ourselves doing things that we usually don't. Maybe for me, it was a break from routine? I find myself browsing NHDS blog, sending message to a junior about it and just awhile ago I was reading my own entries.

Sometimes it is nice to look back at what happen and realize how differently you think from that time. During the browsing, I was reminded of my one wish for the year and sadly it reminded me of something that happened the other day, just last week. Looks like another unfulfilled wish.

Being forced to face the truth is cruel, that's why sometimes I think ignorance is a bliss. But, I guess reality is better for me. It is probably time to get things together.

It's hard to understand or explain what is the matter. Emo-bu probably knows better.
~~~

Yes, but.
No, but.
There is always a but because there is something else to it.
But, there isn't.

Living in the past

Watching sweet romantic comedy has always been a double edge sword for me. I like watching them but they leaves me emo. As a result, sometimes I turn to Splitza to displace that feeling. But, it is getting harder and harder to continue the story.

Constantly I have been reminded, directly and indirectly, of how I am still living in the past. I don't really know which past it is, not that it matters. The truth is that I haven't moved forward, since I don't know when.

It's kind of depressing to start the morning with these sort of thoughts. But, the thought of the possible endings, together with the nervous from releasing of the results, makes it almost inevitable.

Seeking refuge in music, in YUI, is not going to work forever. Furthermore, it changes the mood, nothing changed nor solved. I need a solution.

The people you meet

Exams are finally over, but now I am busy with work. I am not complaining, I wouldn't have much other things to do anyway. So, better than letting my time go to waste. Now that my 3 years with uniSIM is done, I shall wait for the results and see if I will do my fourth year. But, done to objective and development setting at work, I reviewed my decision I set out 2 years ago when I joined Elsevier.

I must admit along the way things have change(If they didn't, something must be wrong.) and it's not like I didn't expect it. So, basically the situation now is open-ended. But, I still want to do what I set out to do, question is where and when. But, I guess I want to take a break and wait for my results first.

U.N.I 2011 is just next week and I made it a point that I take part in at least one item(excluding guest starring in Zhongyi's item). I guess my reason was that I wish to perform once more. Furthermore, I don't think I will be performing again after this.

In any case, if life was to stay status quo now, I would have no complains. Although, not the best, good enough.

~~~~~

Today, I was thinking about the idea of fate, about the people you meet in life. Everyone that you meet in your life has a role to play in your life or at least that is the ideology that I subscribe to. Yes, even those that pisses you off. They are in your life to piss you off, but I am sure it happened for a reason. Maybe they are there to piss you off now, so that you don't get pissed off in another similar occasion which might have a detrimental impact if you do. Or maybe it's so that you don't piss others off the same way. I wish to see it as a learning experience.

But, of course, we don't see things that way every single time and we miss out the role of some people that we crossed path with. At times, I try to remind myself of this and somehow it provides a new perspective to how I see someone. At the same time, I found that when I actively do that, I avoid pitfalls in thinking that I learn in psychology.

So, from time to time, it is good to think about people whom you have crossed path with. At least, those that have contributed to growth of you, contributed to the you in the mirror today.

How much do you understand?

Everytime I thought that I got it, but I realised shortly that I don't. No matter the number of times I thought I got it, I never did.

Recently, there has been multiple dashes of spices into my life. Meeting new people, going through feelings so new yet so familiar. I though that yet another chapter has began. Until someone goes questioning me, "Aren't you still on the first page?" I would normally say something not concrete and it hits me right home that the person was right. I never left.

I realised I always try to mask the fact or try to deny the fact. I don't really know why I do that. To protect myself? Or trying to skip ahead?

I probably have the answers be it technical or emotional, but Id seems want to keep it this way.

~~~~~

Why did you tell me that?

Was there some hidden message?

Are you hinting me?

Making yourself feel better?

Or maybe just trying to make me feel better?

What if, and only what if, its mutual?

Happy Birthday to me!

One more year has gone by and now I am 24. I think this is becoming a tradition for me to blog my thoughts on my birthday(although sometimes I don't do it on the day itself). Year 23 was rather smooth and was able to finally get my promotion just before my birthday. To some it may be a small promotion, but a promotion is a promotion and I am glad my efforts are being recognized. Work has really been fun and enjoyable and like some of guys say, "This is how some gets sucks in." I do admit that there is a possibility of that happening, but I shall make it a point to venture out.

Yesterday, one of colleagues from another department asked her boss(whom I am on rather good terms with), "Is Sam leaving? He seems rather unhappy recently." Do I? I don't think I have said anything to that colleague that might have suggested that. But, it did get me wondering was it written on my face? I do admit that these two weeks haven't been very good in fact was rather lousy and I am still recovering from it. But, I didn't think it was to the extent that it was observable. The only reason I can think of is that patience wears out faster these two weeks.

Somehow, it seems that every year I will experience a downhill just before my birthday. But, like one of my trainers said, "Lower your expectations and you will feel better." True enough, I seem to lower my expectation for some stuff, though it wasn't enough for me to avoid being quick tempered.

At age 24, I have not quite achieve some of the things that I hope to achieve, but I guess there is still time. Ok, the entry is getting rather heavy, I shall try to end with something lighter.

Now the time is 6.12am and I am sitting outside of the gate to the plane due for KL. My wish for this year is to be able to meet her again and maybe be able to forge something meaningful out of our fate.

~~~~~~

In this world with population of 6.9 billion, the probability of meeting someone is very low, let alone to having a meaningful relationship.

Take time to slow down your pace and think about if there is anyone in your life that you are neglecting.

Don't let chance pass you by because you hesitated or procrastinated.

You may only have that one chance.

Or if you are given multiple chances, the more you should take action.

Emo: Good or Bad?

I have just attended my first creativity lecture yesterday and I realized that sometimes people tend to regress to increase their creativity temporarily. So, I am starting to see the link between why I find the Emo me more creative. It's probably because when I Emo, I regress and let lose my Id. So, in that sense, maybe being Emo is not that bad?

But, I think it's probably possible to control the regression, though the results might not be as good as genuinely letting lose of your Id.

I feel that life now is not eventful and can probably be deemed as stagnant. Of course, not being a fan of changes, naturally I avoid being happening by nature. But, I decided to just throw myself at adventure itself by going to KL alone next week. I can come up with tons of reasons for the decision, but I think the bottom line is I needed sometime alone, to think.

What about? I don't know. Maybe during or after my trip, I would have an answer. I guess this may be what some call finding oneself? Maybe I felt that there was a need to re-look at myself and get things straight.

~~~~~

It appears when you are not searching, but disappears when you look.

It hurts when it is around, but you miss it when its gone.

It's a game of contradiction, but never know who's playing.

All you want to know is how to get started, but the rule book was never included.

Post# 400 - 8 years of blog / Splitza# 7

Wow, this blog is already 8 years old! Although, the number of posts doesn't seem to justify the its age... >.< Many things has changed over the years, from the skin to the name of the blog to the big move from open diary. More importantly, the content changed as I changed and improved over the years. The blog has grown a lot, I too have grown. Hoping that I will continue to blog my memories here and may they be good ones.

~~~~~

Previously, Shiori invited Sam to her her piano recital... (If you need a recap on the full story, use the tags to find the related entries. Sorry for such a long break in the chapters)
Ah Long: Oi! You still don't want to go prepare ar? What time oredi!
Emo-bu:就是说嘛。。。
Sam: I still haven't decided whether to go a not...
Ah Long:Hello friend! Not for you to decide la... People ask you go you still act "dua pia"(Big shot). Still need to think what think!
Emo-bu:你不去的话她一定会佷失望的。。。
Sam: But...
Ah Long: Ah! Ler gou ga wa but! (Ah! You still say but!)
Sam:Ok ok...
Emo-bu:不要忘记买花！


*At the reception after the recital
Shiori: Sam! Over here!
*Sam walks over and hands over the the sunflower he bought
Sam: H...Hi Shiori... You were mesmerizing as usual.
Shiori: Honto ni? Arigatou!
*Sam lets out a shy smile
Shiori: Sam honto ni kawaii ne!
*Sam blushes
Sam: Stop teasing me...
Shiori: Haha. Sam blushes so easily. Okok, I shall stop. Anyway, can you wait here for me while I go talk to some people?
Sam: Sure.

*After 15minutes
Shiori: Thanks for waiting! We can go now.
Sam: Erm...where are we going?
Shiori: Sorry, I need to get home, otherwise we can go for supper or something. Gomen ne!
Sam: Na...it's ok. It's late anyway. Let me send you home.
Shiori: Sweet as usual. ;)

*While Shiori and Sam walked towards Shiori's house, their hands brushed.

*Shiori blushed and looked away
Sam: I'm sorry.
Shiori: iee, it's ok.
*Awkward silence all the way to Shiori's drop step
*Shiori looks at the ground
Shiori: I am home. Thank you for sending me back.
Sam: It's no problem.
*Awkward silence
Sam: Ok, I should be going.
Shiori: Be safe.

*Sam turns around and leave
*Stops and calls out to Shiori
Sam: Shiori...
Shiori: Hmm?
Sam: You know about the other day where Jax got rough with me? The reason was because I refused to help him ask you to be her girlfriend.
Shiori: Jax is such a jerk.
Sam: And the reason I help him was because...
Shiori: Because?
Sam: Because...because...wa...watashi...dai...daisuki...Shiori desu!
*Shiori blushes and turned around and walked towards the door
Sam: Will you let me hold your hand?
*Shiori opens the door and enters the house.
*Shiori closes the door behind her
Sam: ...
*Sam turns around with his head hanging low and leaves.
*Sound of the door opening
Shiori: You would have to be boyfriend.
Sam: Huh?! What do you mean? Does that mean you agree to be my girlfriend?
*Shiori smiles
Shiori: Sam Baka! Bye Sam.

Author notes: I attempted to add in some other language elements to make the characters more alive. If I deem the lines might not be understood by many, I would add the translated meaning in brackets. Please do leave comments so that I can improve the writing.

Love is selfish / Splitza's Idea

Now, I better understand why people cannot just be contented with the fact that they are together with the person they love, be it just physically or emotionally. I was told that because of how this society is, sometimes just being together with the person you love is good enough. It doesn't matter whether the person truly loves you, since the only thing that matters is that you are happy being with the person.

However, I would say such a relationship won't last and it would take a very good control of emotions to not get overwhelmed with the fact that she/he doesn't love you. Humans are selfish, love is selfish. Humans feel dissatisfied knowing that their companion doesn't reciprocate their love.

As much as I wish to convince myself that I am ready, my Id tells me otherwise. Sometimes, I wonder if it's just random projections or really my true sub-conscious.

~~~~~~

How long has it been the last chapter? One year? Anyway, through all these thoughts, I think i got the idea of how to continue the story. So, probably will start working on it soon.

Although, I really feel very sad about the fact I can't put it into action like I wanted to. I guess sometimes what is meant to be is meant to be. Splitza was probably destined to be for private audience.

Confess to gamble

Yesterday night before I went to bed, the about confessions being like a gamble struck me. Maybe at least for people in my generation.

When you have 2 higher possibilities, one being a happy ending where you get together and the other you simply destroy whatever relationship that was built. For some rare cases, you may be able to reconstruct a certain degree of friendship after a large amount of effort. It's tough work!

Sad to say, the first scenario seems to only happen in fiction, at least in my experience. As much as I wish to define myself with the word 'belief', it can be mentally draining. Is it a social norm or is it just me?