Splitza #1

Have you ever talked to yourself?

No, I am not talking about reading to yourself.

Yes, something like that. Answering your own questions.

But, I am different.
I talk to them.

Message Someone Void

Flares never lit the sky, voices always drown.
Messages just never seems to communicate.

Eyes are blind, ears are deaf.
Someone that was never there.

Racking through the library, flipping though pages of our memories.
All was a void in my mind.

~~~~~
Tear of the page and start over.
I was never good at writing stories.
Tearing off the pages was never easy.
But, I will keep doing it till it gets right.

Torn pages are not thrown away.
They are just kept somewhere I hope noone knows.
I am going to tear another page off and say goodbye.
But, this time it is different.

Stories are always told, but this time I never did.

Long over-dued post

It's a long time since I posted an entry. Well, this semester hasn't been the best one and I don't really look forward to receiving my results in Dec. But, it's too late to whine about it and I guess the best is not to let it happen again.

The last time I left off was in Aug, but I don't think there was much happening since there, nothing major. Exams are over and here comes the year end frenzy at Elsevier. But, I am not complaining, because I really like it there.

Recently, I made a promise to lose weigh and I even bought a weighing machine to make myself commit. I hope my willpower last enough for anything to take effect and maybe I could transfer the determination to my studies.

These few days was so enjoyable. I got to meet up with people, watch movies and just sit around without feeling guilty. In a few hours time(not exactly), I will be heading back to DI(finally). I really miss those days when I was in army when almost everything was about dance.

For now, I should just sit back relax and enjoy the breeze before I face the music.

I don't know when did it go away, but it did. I am at peace and I feel glad. In front of my computer, I wonder if you feel the same way. But, I guess you might never realize it, you never did. But, it's alright. I am fine now. Life is better. I have gotten stronger. I hope you are happy with how things are. Although, I won't say I will still be the same if you ever needed me again, I will still be here.

Everything is reversed in your world. I seem to be walking backwards around you. I feel silly, but I am happy. It's a happy place to be. Maybe the day will come when I turn around facing you, maybe it won't come. But, let's just stop at this beautiful moment for now.

My arms are wide open, I am ready to embrace the world.
I am just waiting for something for me to hold tight.
I call out to you and watch time pass me by.
If you can hear my call, I am here.

Missing you

I am not exactly missing one person here, so I just there is no point in asking who.
But, that person may be you. =)

Of these people that I miss, there are some who walked out of my life and some I let them walk out of my life.
It's probably too late to regret watching them just walk out like that without taking any actions.

Of course, I have wished that one day fate will bring us together again and maybe I could make up for lost time.
I could then say the things that I never said and do the things I that I never did.

But, all that is probably just dreaming because these things probably will forever stay as fantasies.
Unless one day, I see this fantasy coming true, its hard to believe.

Those that are still here might eventually leave one day, like the others did.
There is no dinner that lasts for ever.

But, yet I don't seem to be about to do anything about it.
It is always not the right time or feelings not right.

Most of all, I don't seem to be about express myself properly.
In the past, I over express myself.
But, now I can't seem to be able to even if I tried.

As I begin to uncover secrets to life, I discover keys to the unspoken closets in my heart.
I opened it to conclude that, its probably easier left shut.

Love is suppose to be irrational.
I couldn't explain my love for you.
Yet, when it is time to express my love.
I tried to rationalized something that never makes sense.

I really don't know how to express myself.

No more car...probably...

Looks like won't have a car to drive anytime soon...

Take the hint, don't ask why.

Superego, Ego & Id

We all have the Superego, Ego & Id which in layman term would mean stupid like "the angel and devil in your head".
The Superego is the angel and Id is devil.
The angel advocates morality and goodness and the devil advocates personal gains.
In a way, you end up as Ego balancing and keeping the 2 in check.

However, if it gets out of hand you probably become like this...

Missing piece

Looked everywhere but just not there.
That little dark space just enough that I seem to care.

This is too big, that is too small.
Just can't seem to find the fit afterall.

I think of left, I take a right.
I just realised there is just no light.

I feel incomplete and need to know.
Where did the missing piece ever go?

I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I know the problem isn't you.
The things I do, the mistakes I make.
They just seem so wrong.
I need to get a grip and wake myself up.
Because it shouldn't bother me to this extent.
The more I learn, the more I discover.
There are things that I should know eariler.

Worse than this

I guess somewhere alone the line we do this.
As for why we do it?
Two reasons that I can think of now:
1)You are thinking about something else.
2)You believe this is what is called studying.

Well, for me at the moment its neither...
...its worse than this.

Turn off my GPS?

Have been bumping around lately(literally as well as figuratively), which totally just gets my mood down. It's not like I have been doing evil deeds or anything. I guess maybe it's just as Zhenyu says, "This shows that Karma is bullshit." Or maybe it just means that I have more Karma than I know.

But, it has all got me thinking whether what I am doing and seeking is wrong?I mean most of the time I end up crashing into things and it just sucks.

Honestly, I am tired of chasing after answers which I have no idea for what questions. It's as good as chasing after little red globes which half the time probably end you up somewhere else. Worse of all, it ends you up in deep shit.

Maybe it's time I turned off my GPS and let others do the bumping.

But...easier said than done...I probably need to find the off button first.

PS: I decided to adopt Michelle's style to accompany the text with a picture. I guess the picture would help especially when the entry gets lengthy and can also set the tone of the entry.

PSPS: No pun intending in the picture and text. But, I guess that imagination is yours...

What did I do to deserve this?

Seriously, why is everything just not going my way?
I have done nothing wrong!But, why me?

I am in enough pain as it is, why did you have to add salt to it?
Seriously, enough is enough!

Do you need me to paint the whole picture for you?
Do you?

Or have your pictures always been painted upon mine?

Who am I kidding?
Obviously, it was my fault.

All that?Excuses!
Wake up you fat ass!



Seriously, serious give me a break.

Blind corner

I tried to blog using my Iphone on the bus to work today, but Iphone is not exactly blog-friendly.

Anyhows, here is a long awaited entry and by popular demand too.

First, I shall briefly address some of the happenings since last entry.

1)Daryl's birthday and my treat - We went to Hillcrest for pizza. The pizza there are huge, too bad no pictures to show. But, we "ordered" $200 worth ice-water, visit Zhiyan's blog for prove.(Yan, I help you advertise your blog leh!)

2)Stay over at Zhenyu's place for Wii and supper - Apparently people don't my "rock" singing =x I have to say that weekend was well spent though half of it was used to recover from the lack of sleep.

3)Wee Yen's wedding(army buddy) - Our army 'Lao Da' finally had his wedding dinner after being engaged for about 2 years at Marina Mandrain. Congrats dude.

Second, I got back my results for semester2 and I did much better than I have expected. Not trying to humble, but really its a pleasant surprise. I got 4.25 GPA for this semester, so my overall now increased to 4.12. Woo!



Sometimes, solutions are just right infront of us, yet we can't see until much later. Sometimes, so much so that it is too late. I am not trying to post something "emo" again, because the thought struck me from work related stuff.

Somehow it is as if we have a blind corner that we just can't see. It is probably just something very simple, yet it just doesn't cross our minds.

Up to this point, I realised today's topic is abit stucked. I don't really remember why I wanted to blog about this topic in the first place. Haha... Now, I seem to be just rumbling rubbish. I think I shall leave it as it is and see whether I can continue some other time. Or you guys can contribute to the topic, maybe it will give me more talking points.

Our mind is such a mystery...
...it can make you believe that something not real is real.
So much so that...
...it is very difficult to change your mind, literally,
Is that why?
Is that the reason?

PS:The first 4 lines is not just "emo" crap, they are loosely based on a psychology theory, which I won't go into the technicalities.

Fan Jian

Fucking Fan Jian!

Expectations

Everyone has their own expectations for many different aspects of their daily life. But, when our expectations are not meet, different kinds of uncomfortable feelings fills us up.

I also have my expectations of things. But, I didn't expect to be this peaceful. Somehow, it disturbs me. Maybe it has always been an illusory emotion, or it could be the wonderful works of my immune system. But, it just feels as if I am short of something, or maybe just lost at where this is to begin with. I think it is as though I was thrown off and wake up to find myself in an unfamiliar place.

Now, I don't know where to begin, or whether it has even ended. I don't know what to expect. Its not like I will get a memo about the upcoming events in my email.

In 3 days, it will mark the closure of this chapter, probably.

Maybe you are right,
I guess I should thank you instead.

Maybe complementary really doesn't work.
Maybe at the end of the day, I will find my shadow.

Thank you

Thank you for patronizing.

This is what you get..

This is what Ixxxn gets for pissing me off with the 30sec craps. Anyway, I recommend people who watch one piece to look at the one piece video. I cant' shuffle the list, so please click on menu to see the full list. At the moment, there are 15 titles.

Sony copyrighted all YUIs videos, now youtube no longer host YUIs videos!!!
That is why you might realise the LACK of YUI songs. =(

Shortlived

Who would have known that the effects were so shortlived?

What's the rush?/Accidentally Enlightenment

Today, I decided to blog because of 2 reasons(not the topic of the day).

1) I was feeling damn irritated in the morning.
2) Felt slacky today and decided to take the day from studying. (which lead to a right decision)

Time and time again people will say that we are all too fast paced. Zoom here and there, everything has been ASAP. I am one of those people who say and do the zooming at the same time. Yes, I know I just openly contradicted myself. But, I am sure I am not the only one(not saying that to make myself feel better).

But, an encounter today made be realised how zooming around can knock people down in the process. Basically, a customer called to ask for some information, which I tried to give him, but he wasn't satisfied with my answer. I tried to ask if he wanted me to transfer his call to the appropriate person in charge he refused saying its too long winded(I was like 'Huh?'). In the end he got fed-up and hang up on me. I shan't go into details of what happen and technically speaking that person wasn't talking to me logically in the first place. In the end, has still has to come back to us for help. As the Chinese saying goes '早知如此， 何必当初。' So, after while of feeling upset about it(because initially I feel that I didn't handle the situation well), I decided that I should forgive him for his fallacy.



Fortunately, someone reminded me of some things in life that I should think about and now I deem as important. Maybe they have occured to me before, but I guess I forgot about them or they simply didn't register then.

Sometimes because we feel that since its the norm, we just follow it blindly. Later, then we realise that the norm does not coincide with our beliefs. At that point time, people who are strong minded might decide to change their behaviour and do as they deem fit, ignoring the fact that they may be same as the out- lyer.

Nobody says that you have to get a degree, drive a car, live in big houses, earn big money and many more to be happy. That's what most people think that lies at the end of the road, which is true if you are one of those who things that happiness can't be achieved without wealth. Right now let's be realistic, we all agree that we need to earn enough at least to feed , clothe and probably put a shelter over our heads. This norm would probably fit most people, although I am sad to say not all are able to achieve this.

So, after achieving this, what's next? I believe everyone has their own set of beliefs and values, which is shaped by many factors to list. And along the way, our beliefs gets shaken because of the so called society norms. This is the time where we should ask, 'What is it we really want? What is it that truely brings happiness to our lives?'

For those whose wants is the same as the society norms, then good for them. For those who don't, then maybe you should take time to think about it.

Once you have decided to embark on a journey, don't complain or blame. Because you chose this path(even if it was because of other circumstances, YOU still CHOSE this path). As the army term goes, suck thumb lor...

Anyways, I not sure whether I make sense a not because I am just typing as it flows in my head. It may be circular logic, but I guess you guys should get the rough picture.

I want to thank the person who give me this accidentally enlightenment or maybe just a reminder, a wake up call. Although, I am not sure whether she has any idea what she has done or said in the first place, I guess it's not important.

Relationships are fragile.
Things happen.
I guess somestimes we have to accept reality for what it is.
I have to accept myself for who I am.
I will be appreciated.

Life should be the way it is that you see it,
not as the way people paint it.

Everyday

I wake up to the melodies of the alarm.
Rub my eyes and shake my dreams away.

I lumber here and there.
Typing here scribbling there.
My legs are aching, fingers are numb.

I use laughter to and humor to fill my head.
I scan around for social attachment.

Sometimes I go back to the cycle...
...today I don't.

There has been much struggle, I have yet to come to a conclusion.
Everytime, I wished that it wasn't this hard.

Have you been touched?

Not long ago, someone asked me, "So, what's your motivation?"

I thought that was easy. For a very long time, I have always wanted to help people in the ways I am good at. That was why, I joined CDC where I learned first-aid. I also decided to embark on my journey to get my Degree in Psychology.

I must say from time to time I would complain to myself for not studying harder for my A levels and hence landing me in the current predicament. But, I guess I learned a lot taking this other route. Studying at uniSIM is not exactly fun as university should be, which is why I call the current situation a predicament. But, because of uniSIM I am able to work and support myself. So, I guess despite the difference from my ideal, I am on a different but right track.

After getting the degree, I would love to become a school counsellor and devote my time in helping students who are caught in some shit. I always believe that whatever that happens to us when we are young is going to have a big impact on our lives. Although, my teaching says that it is not necessary and that in the later parts of our lives the impact might get corrected and we will be fine. But, why take those chances?

Some people may have a bright future but end up destroying that light due to some mistake they make or even mistakes that others make. Worst of all, is that they can't seem to find help. Thats where I hope to come in.

Its funny that I have such ambition. Ideally, I would sound like a great Samitarian. But, I don't think I am. Nonetheless, the inspiration of people who tried to make a difference in my life has brought me thus far. So, this is not where the train stops.

However, its sad to say that over the years which I spent trying to make a difference in other people's lives, it always seems that I didn't succeed. Everything I devote time and effort to make that difference, whether big or small, I hope that somehow I have touched them. But, everytime when I thought I did, I realised I overestimate my significance. Its not that I help to be acknowledged, but it definitely motivates me to be acknowledged.

But, I guess it can't be blamed. Humans are by nature weird creatures. I guess the way people think is getting more and more unpredictable with the advancement of technology and the use of internet. It always intrigues me that people who don't msn, sms or call each other, in other words distant, can seem so close and "in contact". The same goes to the fact that when people seemed excited and happy to see friends on the streets, despite the fact that they actually "see" each other online everyday. The only difference is that they don't talk online. I am sure all this has theories that can explain them in ways that I would agree. But, till then, it will remain a mystery.

So, what's my motivation? To help people? To touched people? To be acknowledge by people?

You are smiling at me.
That makes me happy.
Oh...that was just a picture of you.

I hear a beep.
That makes me excited.
Oh...you only wanted directions.

I feel stupid and childish.
Its all unnecessary, unrequited.
The pain won't go away.
It is taking just too long.
The 100 days countdown just keeps reseting.
I lack determination.
Either of us has to go.
But, I know its not fair for you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
So...I guess its all clear.
Please wash it away.

the final hour

I know you have been waiting for a miracle to happen.
But, deep in your heart, you know that it's just wishful thinking.
You of all people should know better to hope for the hopeless.

Why do you think you can help others when you can't either help yourself?
Self-denial is not going to get you anywhere you wish you would be.
The reality is what you know it is.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think that as if it's out of your control.
Your knowledge clearly tells you the opposite.
You know that you can be happy...


I know it's down to the final hour but what is a man in love got to do?
Time and time again you tell me that I am just imagining things and that I am going to get over it.
But, the truth is it always seems to be contradicted.

You think I long a miracle, I think I long for fresh start.
But, maybe at the end of this race, we end up at the very beginning.
This beginning which we both think that shouldn't have embarked on.
But, since the journey has began, I should just go where the roads me to.
So, maybe you should stop telling me to abandon it all together.



Life is full of surprises.
Sometimes you are happy, sometimes you are sad.
You make friends who say they will walk you through your life and also friends who walks with you.
You make decisions that you think is right but deemed by others as wrong.
You learn to listen but often talk too much.
You learn to see but often miss things out.
You feel pain too often when there isn't a wound.
You feel frustrated thinking that it wasn't your day.
You feel unlucky even when you are still kicking.

There are so many things that you learn, do, make and feel that it's impossible to list them all.
Fate leads in your own hands.
After this final hour, maybe we both can say that we won't need to see each other again.

Tick Tick Tick

Tick...tick...tick...

The red?The blue?The black?

or None?

Sometimes its as simple as blowing it out...

...then again...

...sometimes its not.

An update

Since, the last entry nothing much happened but I guess I should do some update at least on my current job. But, before I go into that, I just want to mention that DI is going to prepare for the moving to Lavender later in the year. I wonder whether a new environment will be good. But from the way things look, probably not.

In school, I am definitely learning more and more interesting things which is so relevant to life.

Basically, I am really happy with this job. No matter how I compare, its still better than the previous. Although, now I am only into my third week, I am already offered to convert. I have accepted the offer, now pending for HR to process the details before I sign and make things official.

An update feels so familiar yet so distant.
A feeling that was in the distant past, suddenly returns as a familiar present.

Got a job...

Its been a while since I last blogged. Well, I think only 3 major happenings passed by.

1) Chingay '09 - I was only there for the first day because I had classes on the second. Honestly, I think the parade this year is really bad. I do not think that the money allocated to the various items are justified and the finale was rather anti-climax in my opinion. I watched the replay and was quite disappointed.

2)Lao yu sheng at Zhenyu's place - Although, Zhenyu think that it was a lame gathering as most people went to sleep quite early and some left early too, at least I enjoyed myself with the Wii boxing. Omg...it is really freaking exhuasting to play that game. Haha...but I liked it. And I finally got to eat the nachos that we brought for New Year Day. But, too bad the salsa and the cheese wasn't as good as the first time I tried it.

3)Vanessa's birthday/V-day celebration - Celebrated the day for Vanessa together with Vivian at Waraku(The Central). I bought sunflowers for them and they got me a small gift(paper rose wit chocolate inside from Vanessa and a "goodie bag" from Vivian) too. After sending the ladies home, went to meet the guys for supper.

Highlight of the day: I have a job!!!

I guess I know where I stand.
It may not be an answer.
But, it was definitely a clue.

But, I guess all is well.
I just need to remember what I had learn.
And hopefully apply it.

Relief the ache

It sucks to ache again.
Well, its no surprise.
If only I have the medicine for it...

School starts

Its being a while since a proper entry. Basically, nothing is missed other then the countdown at Zhenyu's place where the 2 main chefs(Zhenyu and Zhi Yan) cooked everyone a wonderful dinner. I truthly enjoyed the dinner, it was brilliant. It was a really enjoyable evening with the highlight of Chee Hao's Drunken Dance.

School started yesterday and I am trying to pick up the pace to set everything to the right speed. Otherwise, I would probably have to go through that dreadful period preparing for the exams. Just horrible.

Well, its the new semester, but I guess nothing much changed.(other than the module of course) But, I do hope if anything were to change, it would be a pleasant one. But, I ask for too much, since "feng shui" indicates that this is not a good year for the rabbits.

Next week is going to be Chinese New Year and Chingay as well. But too bad, due to the CNY, my classes are moved to Saturday, thus taking away my chance to be at Chingay this year.

The NUS Bash that Zhenyu and Michelle are involved is this Saturday. I am looking forward to it and hope that I would have fun.

Unknown vision

Why am I seeing all this things?
Is there a link between them and the things that are happening?
If so, what am I suppose to do?
Offense? Defense?

The more I discover, the more I realise this is just all illusory optimism.
Maybe this is a phase of fading...
...or I am just trying to explain such behaviour.

Over the times, I should have learned to recognise such situations.
Yet, I don't ever seem to learn.

It is no wonder people often think they know themselves...
...when more often than not, they are clueless.